


Whatever This Is - A story about friendship

by Vamillepudding



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-10-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 01:19:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 31,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7199621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vamillepudding/pseuds/Vamillepudding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em> Whatever it is, Remus thought then, again smiling, and therefore breaking his record of the amount of smiles a day. It didn’t take longer than the duration of the train ride and shared smiles of relief after “Potter, James” was sorted into Gryffindor at last, joining the other three at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, to find out what it was. Friendship, started with somebody knocking him to the ground and somebody else making fun of his name, but friendship nonetheless. </em><br/> </p><p>Remus is in sixth year when he realises he's in love with Sirius, and as if that wasn't frustrating enough already, Sirius' constant flirting really isn't helping, either. Add the fact that Sirius is more vulnerable than he lets on as well, and you have the mess that is currently Remus' life. </p><p>A story about the famous Marauders, set during their sixth year in Hogwarts with flashbacks to earlier years. The focus lies on Remus' and Sirius' developing relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone ! Glad you found your way here :) This is my first fic about the Marauders' Era, so I just hope it all goes well and I don't mess up the characterisations. A few chapters of this are already written, I'll upload them after I'm done editing.  
> Any warnings will be in the Author's notes at the beginning of each chapter, if necessary.  
> Enjoy!

**Prologue**

Looking back in later years, Remus Lupin would always remember the Hogwarts express as the place where it all began. Not earlier, when they had first seen each other at King’s Cross, not later, when they sat together at the Gryffindor table or when they went into their shared dorm for the first time.  
Remus had been late to get on the train, with his parents using the last minutes together for last-minute-advice. He had barely been able to drag his huge suitcase behind him, and after several minutes of searching for an empty compartment he had finally given up, using his trunk as a seat instead. That’s when the compartment door in front of him opened and a dark-haired boy literally stumbled over Remus’ hunched figure. 

"Shit, sorry” the boy said, his loud voice drowning out the laughter coming from the cabin behind him. 

“That’s okay” Remus muttered, expecting the boy to leave any second now. 

“Hey, what are you doing out here?” 

“Couldn’t find an empty compartment” he said at the same time as another boy came out, also dark-haired and with a curious look in his eyes, which were hidden behind circular spectacles.  
“First day and injuring people already? Well done, mate.” 

“Gotta keep up my reputation” the first boy said with a smirk, to which his friend replied easily: 

“ _What_ reputation?” 

“The one of my charms and wit, of course.” Remus felt like they would have gone on like that for hours if he hadn’t happened to cough right then. Just a small one, something stuck in the back of his throat maybe, but it was enough to get the two boys’ attention back towards him. Then everything happened very fast: The boy with the glasses shrugged and returned back to the inside, and Remus was already looking back out of the window when he suddenly realised that the other boy hadn’t left. 

“Aren’t you coming?” he asked casually, as though Remus’ joining them had been planned all along and Remus was merely holding them back temporarily. Remus felt a shy smile spreading on his face as he scrambled up and followed the other student into the compartment, where the boy from before as well as a fourth boy, the two of them chatting eerily, were already waiting. Upon his arrival they looked up, seeming not at all surprised at his intruding, and the boy whom Remus hadn’t met before said, smiling: “Hi, I’m Peter, good to meet you.” Remus took his hand. 

“Remus.” A snort of laughter, causing the boy with the glasses to hit the one who had invited Remus inside over the back of his head. 

“Cut it out, Sirius Orion.” Peter laughed, ‘Sirius’ scowled, and the third boy continued: “I’m James. Happy to announce that my friend Sirius here is not longer the only one with a ridiculous name.” This resulted in Sirius to return the hit, and all of a sudden they were playfully hitting each other, all while continuing to bicker and laugh. Remus stared, and stared, and would have stared some more if Peter hadn’t puled him out of it by snipping his fingers in front of Remus’ face. 

“Remus? You with us? Great. Come sit down, before you get caught in the middle of this...whatever this is. They’ve been doing that for the past half hour or so. So, what house do you think you’ll be in?” 

Whatever it is, Remus thought then, again smiling, and therefore breaking his record of the amount of smiles a day. It didn’t take longer than the duration of the train ride and shared smiles of relief after “Potter, James” was sorted into Gryffindor at last, joining the other three at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, to find out what it was. Friendship, started with somebody knocking him to the ground and somebody else making fun of his name, but friendship nonetheless.


	2. Of Scars and Bedtime Stories

**Chapter 1**

Whatever this is, Remus thinks while taking a look around. They make it sound like friendship, completely and oftentimes effectively concealing the fact for what it really is: All of them are bloody ungrateful, selfish pricks.

Right now they seem innocent enough, what with Sirius trying to clean a pipe he doesn’t actually smoke but found somewhere and is now determined to use, and with Peter and James playing a game of chess. Watching them is painful. Both James and Peter are fairly average at chess, but today they have made a deal about the loser having to buy the firewhiskey next Hogsmeade weekend, enough of a motivation for them to make an effort and therefore drawing out the game to unimaginable length. Remus takes a look at the board, cringes at the obvious opportunity for James to beat Peater easily, and focuses his attention on Sirius. Sirius in the meanwhile has given up on the pipe and is currently trying to hex it into a fluffy animal of some sorts. After a few seconds Remus snatches the pipe, which now has furry ears and two thin legs, away from him. Sirius lets out a loud whine at this and pouts for a whole of three seconds before his concentration span has reached its limit and he walks over to James and Peter instead of trying to keep Remus from transforming the object back into its original state. 

“Hey, Jamie, you’re an idiot” he declares and points at Peter’s unprotected queen. It takes James embarrassingly long before he gets it and shouts in triumph, Peter glaring daggers at Sirius. 

“I’m going to bed” Remus announces. He’s suddenly in need of a break. Not that they have done anything in the last two hours, but the hour before that they managed to dye his hair in all rainbow colours, right before he had a meeting with the Hufflepuff he’s tutoring. Nothing to be mad about for long, but right now he doesn’t think he can stand this any longer. 

Sirius of course immediately jumps on the opportunity to bugger him a bit more. 

“I’m going with you” he says cheerfully, and Remus has to dig his fingernails in his palms very hard to not roll his eyes. James and Peter barely notice them leaving. 

In the dorm Sirius flaps down on Remus’ bed and starts jumping up and down like the six year old child he is. Remus changes into his pyjamas, careful to not look at his friend while he does. After five years of living together it would be silly to change in the bathroom like he used to, but it’s still not his favourite thing. Even worse, he feels Sirius’ eyes on him as he pulls the sweater he was wearing over his head. A blush spreads over his cheeks upon realising this, though he’s long past making a snappy remark or worse, tearing up. Because Sirius always watches. 

Now while this is a fairly creepy statement to make, it’s really not as bad as it sounds. He doesn’t walk in on Remus purposefully, or follows him into the shower or anything. But whenever Remus changes shirts in front of him, Sirius will watch, silently observing. Has been doing so for years. Remus sits down next to Sirius, lets the other boy ruffle his hair affectionately and thinks 5 years back in time, to a particularly rainy evening.

*****  
**

_It’s been a few months now since that first train ride, and Remus is as happy as never before. Sure, not everything is perfect. He found out that while he excels at History of Magic and Herbology, he cannot for the life of him brow a potion, and learning how to fly has been more of a general “learning how to keep on a broomstick for more than ten seconds” lesson until now. He also doesn’t get along with everyone, though he supposes that’s perfectly normal, and unlike James and Sirius he doesn’t have any outright enemies. And then there’s the full moons of course, and the excuses he has to make up every month. Lying to the boys he’ll share a dorm with for another six years and a half, lying to – and he thinks by now he’s allowed to officially call them that – his FRIENDS seems wrong, but what’s the alternative, really? There is none, simple as that, if he wants to stay at Hogwarts._

_But apart from that, everything’s been great, way better than he expected._

_James and Peter and Sirius have just taken him into their friends group, no questions asked. Remus would never admit to it, but he loves it, loves THEM, loves sitting in the common room and planning pranks he officially disapproves of, loves bickering with them over them wanting to copy his homework, loves waking up in the morning to Sirius jumping on his bed like a madman and falling asleep at night to James telling horror stories. Everything is so easy between them, never awkward, as though the four of them have been friends for years. In fact, he had thought they had been, before coming to Hogwarts. Not Peter, who got accepted just as easily as Remus and fits right in, but James and Sirius, who seem to be able to read each other’s minds sometimes, and finish each other’s sentences all the time like some freaky cartoon twins, and who even curl up in the same bed some nights, for reasons unknown to Remus, who has never been a very touchy-feely person. But as it had turned out, they only met minutes before meeting Peter and then Remus on the train. They just hit it off very well, James explains one day with a fond smile before continuing to massage Sirius’ head._

_It’s all very odd, Remus thinks, how they are so close. Is that kind of behaviour normal for eleven year old boys? He eventually decides to not dwell on the subject. After all, wat does he know about eleven year old boys’ normal behaviour, with him transforming into a monster once a month? Yet it continues to bother him sometimes, and he is so frustrated because he knows that reasonably, there is no logical explanation. They just “hit it off”, to quote James._

_So in conclusion, Hogwarts is better than he had ever imagined it to be, Remus writes in his letters to his parents and leaves out the flying lessons, his latest exploded potion brew, the Ravenclaw girl who shoved him into a wall yesterday and the painful transformations. He also doesn’t mention the one uncomfortable thing about the evenings: His changing into pyjamas. Remus is no fool, he knows what he looks like. The scars in his face he could’ve passed off as a rather unfortunate accident with the family cat as a toddler. But who in their right mind would believe that said cat also had the power to give him scratches as long and ugly as ones from a hippogriff claw would be? So he makes sure to never change in front of the others, which is annoying but can’t be helped, and only mentions the good things about Hogwarts in his letters, and everything is fine until Sirius walks in on him one day, one particularly rainy evening, and everything changes._

_He doesn’t hear the door open, his mind too focused on some charm he hasn’t mastered earlier today, but he does hear the sharp intake of breath, and instantly freezes._

_Sirius, because of course it’s Sirius, closes the door behind him. Remus slowly finishes pulling on his shirt, not turning around, not daring to meet Sirius’ eye. This is it. This is what he’s been afraid of._

_“Remus?” Sirius asks, carefully. Remus doesn’t react. He knows it’s childish, but maybe if he keeps ignoring him Sirius will go away, maybe – a hand on his shoulder. He jumps, and then Sirius is there, steadying him, making sure he isn’t about to, to faint or to run away, Remus doesn’t know, is not sure if he_ wants _to know._

_“Remus” Sirius says again. “Look at me. It’s fine.” It’s not, it’s really not, Sirius is just being friendly, is probably just waiting for the right moment to bombard him with questions, is probably – Sirius starts opening the button of the white school shirt he’s wearing, his tie already loosened. Remus blinks._

_“What are you doing?” The dark-haired boy shrugs._

_“Showing you that it’s fine.” He’s finished with the buttons now and lets the shirt fall to the floor with barely a soft thud. At first Remus doesn’t get it, but then Sirius turns around, and suddenly he_ sees _._

_Silvery Scars all over Sirius’ pale, slim back, some fainter than the others. Sirius’ backside is littered with them, but unlike Remus’ own these scars are...orderly. Straight, most of them. They look...they look like somebody has done this on purpose, and one can say a lot about Remus’ own scars, but in the end they look just like what they are: Inflicted by some sort of wild animals with sharp teeth and claws. For Sirius, it wasn’t an animal. It was a human._

_“You’re not the only one” Sirius says now, his voice breaking the silence. Yes, Remus thinks sadly, Yes I am. But he can’t tell his friend that, can’t make him see the difference. In fact, he’s not sure_ what _to say without outing himself, so he settles for:_

_“It’s not right, you know.” Sirius just looks at him with the ghost of a rather sad smile on his face._

_“Whatever” he huffs, picks up his shirt and makes his way to the common room. Remus stays behind, wondering about what he just saw, wondering whether James knows, because now that he thinks of it, he hasn’t ever seen Sirius change in front of them either. He’s still wondering when Peter comes in, shortly followed by James and Sirius, the latter of whom are once again arguing about something. This time it’s Remus who shrugs before starting to read a book Lily Evans let him borrow, much to James’ dismay. He can’t help Sirius, not without revealing himself, so he just has to hope that Sirius’ back will never be marked ever again._

_***_

_Since that misunderstanding Sirius just keeps watching him when he changes, and often smiles at him in what he probably thinks is shared sympathy based on past suffering, when it really isn’t. But everything is fine, until It happens._

_***_

_They find out that he’s a werewolf a few months after the incident in the dorm. It’s been bound to happen, really. A pet can only die so much. A mother can’t get ill very often before raising suspicions. James is the one who figures it out. Remus will never know if he has thought about this for longer or if he literally just came up with it, because James doesn’t leave him much time for anything when he blurts out “you’re a werewolf” one night. They are all in bed already, Sirius and Peter lying in Peter’s bed and eating candy Remus and James politely refused, James until now just staring at the wall thoughtfully, Remus reading a book he has now dropped. Peter drops his candy, too, only Sirius continues to chew with an open mouth, staring at him. Remus wishes James would have waited until the two of them were alone, because obviously he hasn’t informed Sirius and Peter about this beforehand, but then again Remus supposes it doesn’t make much of a difference._

_Remus simply nods his confirmation of James’ statement, because there’s no real point in denying it, and gets out of bed. Three pairs of eyes are fixed on him as he starts collecting clothes and books and quirls and puts them all neatly into his trunk._

_“What are you doing?” James asks but doesn’t give him time to answer. “I’m right, aren’t I? I_ knew _it!” Is this his inkpot or Sirius’? Does Sirius HAVE any inkpots? He must have, his hands are always stained with it. Remus decides to leave it. He can always buy new ink._

_“Remus” James bellows, and Remus stops. “You can clean up tomorrow, it’s close to midnight, mate. Don’t you want to hear how I found out?” Frankly, he doesn’t, but Peter, the little traitor, asks in Remus’ place:_

_“How did you find out then?” and James beams, and Remus wonders if this is the last time he will see this smile again. It probably is._

_“It wasn’t hard, actually. I just noted how Remus always disappears once a month, and took a look at the dates. And then all those scars of course” James explains, sounding very proud, as though he hasn’t just ruined Remus’ life. It’s going to happen any minute now They are still in shock, understandably so, but soon the words, the meaning will break through to them, and Remus really doesn’t want to see the disgust, or the horror on their faces when it does happen, so he simply goes back to bed and closes his eyes firmly. He’ll finish packing tomorrow when they’re gone to breakfast._

_“Is it painful?” Peter suddenly asks. Remus wants to laugh._ That _is his first question? But he merely replies:_

_“Yes.” Silence again, for about ten seconds, because then James is suddenly in his bed, asking very excitedly: “Can we come with you next full moon?” What?_

_“No” Remus automatically says, bewildered. “Why would you want to?” Is this real? It doesn’t feel like a dream, but there’s no other way to explain this odd behaviour. He pinches himself. Okay, not a dream._

_“Remus? Hey. Are you okay?” And this, right there, is weird, too, because James shouldn’t be excited, but he especially shouldn’t be gentle with him. He lets out a shaky laugh._

_“Sure. But if you – well, I mean...could you maybe not...tell anyone? I mean, I s’pose it doesn’t really matter when I’ll be leaving anyway, but just...no, nevermind. Sorry.” It’s dark, but still he can see James frown._

_“Leaving? Why would you be leaving?” They’ve been living together for over half a year now, and Remus has never realised that James is, in fact, a little stupid._

_“James” he says slowly, to make sure that James understands, that they’re on the same page here, “James, I’m a werewolf.” It feels strange, admitting to it. Feels even stranger when James breaks into a grin._

_“I know, I figured it out! On my own! Brilliant, eh? Seriously though, are you okay? It’s not the full moon for another two weeks, I checked, so I don’t get why you’d need to leave, because-“_

_“James” Peter interrupts. “Come with me to the common room for a second?”_

_“Not now, Pete” James starts, and yelps when Peter forcefully drags him off Remus’ bed. The shorter boy gives him a sympathetic smile before pushing James out of the door. And then, while Remus still can’t quite fathom what the hell just happened, Sirius speaks up for the first time since The Revelation._

_“Those scars on your body, are – are they-“ He doesn’t finish the sentence, but he doesn’t have to._

_“Yes.” Sirius doesn’t say anything else for a long time, but finally gets out of bed and leaves, too. Briefly Remus considers running after him, to give in to the absurd need to apologise, but in the end he doesn’t. He’s almost asleep when James and Peter return, though he immediately wakens when James again sits down next to him, while Peter returns to his own bed._

_“It’s been brought to my attention” James begins, „that I’ve not been very...” He trails off, looking at Peter for help, who supplies helpfully:_

_“Sensitive.”_

_“That’s it! Remus, it’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t been very sensitive. You obviously wanted to keep this a secret, and I shouldn’t have just blabbed it out like that.” He sounds like he’s reciting a quote from a textbook. Remus suddenly has the horrible suspicion that James and Peter_ practised _this little speech. “I’m sorry about being an insensitive-“ Again a glance in Peter’s direction, who nods encouragingly. “An insensitive prat. But”, and here his tone takes on a cheerful note, “now that we know about your furry little problem, now that there’s no secrets kept anymore, I mean, we can move on, move on to a new stage of friendship, where we tell each other everything, be it crushes, be it prank ideas, be it somebody transforming into a werewolf once a month. We’ll be together forever, in sickness and in health, we’ll be brothers, knights...”_

_“In sort” Peter once again interrupts, “You’re alright. We don’t mind.” And only now does it dawn on Remus that not only have they found out his terrible secret, but also have they forgiven him for it. He doesn’t think he can speak right now, doesn’t trust his voice not to waver, so he just sort of awkwardly pats James’ arm, and returns Peter’s smile. Maybe, just maybe, it will all be alright._

_It’s the next morning, Sirius’ bed is empty, and nothing is alright. He’s not at breakfast either, but he does turn up for the first period, and incredibly boring lesson about potion theory, and Remus takes notes and can’t refrain from looking over to James and Sirius in the back of the class, whispering with each other, the chatter a constant background noise. When the lesson ends, James and Sirius leave together, and Peter and Remus go to a double period of Charms alone._

_They’re still not back when lunch starts, didn’t go to any of the morning classes after the first one, and Remus feels once again reminded of the special bond they share, a bond that has nothing to do with Peter and himself and all to do with them._   
_In the afternoon they are nowhere to be seen still. Peter tells Remus not to worry, so Remus tries to do just that._

_It’s late in the evening when they return, Sirius pale, his eyes red rimmed, James’ hair in an even worse state than usual. But apart from that they seem fine, and Remus’ concern transforms into fear when this time James is the one to drag Peter out of the dorm, and braces himself for what is to come when he’s left with Sirius for the second night in a row. At first nothing happens, but eventually Sirius says:_

_“I’m sorry.”_ He _’s sorry? Shouldn’t Remus be the one apologising? “I shouldn’t have left like that, I just – I assumed, you know, and you didn’t deny it, so I thought, but then turns out yours are – and I felt betrayed, for a moment, which makes no sense, but I couldn’t help it, and then I felt embarrassed, and now James talked to me and I just- I’m sorry.”_

_“It’s fine” Remus hears himself say. He has never seen Sirius like this before. “No, don’t” he adds when Sirius is starting to protest. “Look, it really is fine. I don’t blame you, or anything. I’m sorry, too, for ... not telling you, and for...leading you on.” He winces at his word choice, but it draws a laugh out of Sirius, who at the moment looks much younger than the eleven year old boy he is, more vulnerable. Remus laughs, too, and the moment between them is over, so they just tell James and Peter that they can come up now. They never speak of it again._

_Only from time to time Remus looks at Sirius, and at James, and at James touching Sirius almost protectively when one of Sirius’ cousins taunt him in the hallways, at James breaking a Slytherin’s nose for pushing Sirius to the floor, at James some nights sleeping in the same bed as Sirius, and he wonders if maybe James knows about Sirius’ scars after all._

*****  
**

That’s all in the past now. They have become even better friends, have become even more open at at ease with each other. Peter is no longer afraid to give his opinion when he thinks James or Sirius, who have always, even as eleven year olds, been more dominant and authoritative than Remus ever could be, might disagree with it. Remus no longer swallows down sarcastic comments and teasing words. What Sirius used to mask as confidence in first year has turned into _actual_ confidence, not just a mask he puts on, and Remus suspects that Sirius’ friendship with James has helped a lot with that. James is the only one who hasn’t changed all that much, except maybe now he no longer denies his crush on Lily Evans but embraces it rather, a development Remus could’ve gone without. So here they are, proud sixth year students who are almost as immature as back in first year, and nothing else would do, really.

As if to prove that point, Sirius suddenly puts his head into Remus’ lap, which is at least an improvement to the bouncing from before, and mutters “tell me a story, Moony”. ‘Moony’, that’s another thing that’s changed. Peter, Sirius and James all met up this summer at James’ house. Remus had not received an invitation, and whatever they have been up to in those weeks spent together, when they came back to Hogwarts they suddenly had nicknames. Remus is Moony, and the explanation for that is quite obvious. But ‘Padfoot’? ‘Wormtail’? ‘’Prongs’? They must have been very drunk to come up with that, he’s concluded, and the amusement about that lessens the bitterness over the inside joke he so clearly is not a part of. 

“I’m not telling you a story. Read a book, same result, less effort” Remus says lightly, but doesn’t shove Sirius away. 

“I don’t want to read a _book_ ” Sirius replies sulkily, drawing out the last word as though it offended him. “Read one to me” he then demands, and Remus sighs. 

“Don’t you have something to do, pranks to plan, people to torment?” Sirius grins up at him. 

“Only you.” It’s spoken softly, as if he’s serious – “He’s always Sirius” Remus’ inner James says helpfully -, and Remus too softens. 

“Fine. But you’re not allowed to complain. Or make jokes. Or speak at all.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it” Sirius promises, so Remus picks up his battered copy of Pride and Prejudice, and starts reading. Sirius manages to keep his promise for about half a minute before starting to make Comments which he thinks are hilarious and which Remus thinks are mostly ignorant and, maybe, just a little funny, too. Surprisingly Remus doesn’t really mind. Finally Sirius falls asleep on him, dosed off to Darcy insulting Lizzy at the dance. Remus looks down at his friend, his fingers tousling Sirius’ hair which as always is rich and silky and could come straight out of a hair product commercial, and suddenly he can’t remember why he ever thought Sirius was a prat in the first place.


	3. Of Crushes and Crystal Balls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technically this is Chapter 2 A, because there's gonna be a Chapter 2 B (duh) which continues the events of this capter. I've decided to upload them separetely because for once, I've got part 1 already finished, and also I figured that it'd probably be better to divide the chapter into two parts, anyway, since otherwise it'd be super long. So, enjoy !

Remus knows all about love, he thinks. He has studied it thoroughly, has read Shakespeare as well as Jane Austen and penny dreadfuls, the latter of which are his guilty pleasure. He has been raised by his parents, who have been married happily for over fifteen years and are not afraid to show it. He has seen other students in Hogwarts develop crushes, fall in love, start relationships and break them up before the cycle starts again, this time with a different love interest. Hell, everybody who has spent some time with James when Lily Evans was near will be an expert on unrequited feelings.

Of course it’s not all about the romantic side of it. What Sirius and James have definitely qualifies as brotherly love. Remus himself has grown up in the knowledge to be loved by his parents, and once you witnessed Sirius with HIS parents at the platform 9 ¾, you will also know how it looks like when somebody has never had that knowledge in the first place. So yes, Remus is no stranger to love, no matter what kind. That is why he immediately recognises the signs when love, the romantic one this time, decides to make his life even harder by something as simple as a crush.

Because that’s what it is, a crush, nothing more. Remus doesn’t feel the need to declare his undying love, because he doesn’t have these feelings, and while he would die for the object of his affections, it’s no different from how he would die for Peter or James, for example, or how they would die for him in return. No, it’s just that lately, he has been able to witness the infamous love-experience first-hand, the full package with butterflies in his stomach and his throat closing up whenever the object of his affection comes close. He finally understands now what everybody is on about when talking about aesthetic pleasures, because while he wasn’t exactly blind before, he now fully...appreciates them, when he’s alone in the shower or lying in his bed at night with everybody else fast asleep. 

It’s not a big deal, Remus keeps telling himself. James has fallen in love with Lily Evans almost immediately, and at least Remus can proudly proclaim that his crush is not nearly as creepy as James’. They all have different methods of dealing with people they like, the four of them. James behaves like an idiot around Lily, but then, that’s nothing new there. He’s also become the grown-up (or at least, sort-of-grown-up) version of a boy in elementary school pulling a girl’s pigtails and calling her ugly because he can’t deal with his affections. 

Peter on the other hand is nowhere near as confident as James, which often ends in him not being able to utter a single word in the presence of a girl he fancies. It’s somewhat sad and somewhat amusing, too, though Remus really isn’t one to talk. 

Sirius, well. Sirius has always been different from other boys their age, has always walked with a downright annoying gracefulness, has never had to deal with greasy hair or pimples because his hair is perfect and so is his skin, and while he is just as cocky as James is, unlike James this is not his _only_ side. He can also be charming, flirtatious, seductive. No wonder so many girls in school fancy him, with the occasional guy thrown in the unofficial fan club of He Who Is Sirius ‘I look like an underwear model’ Black, too. Sirius of course doesn’t think anything of it. He is used to people admiring him, is used to getting love letters every other day, is used to teachers letting him get away with things other students would get months of detention for, is used to pretty girls ditching their boyfriends and pretty boys ditching their girlfriends for the mere chance of receiving a smile from him. And as if this wouldn’t be infuriating enough already, he also abuses this power he has over the students of Hogwarts _all the time_. Of course, if one were objectively speaking, it’s not really power abuse. Sirius doesn’t do anything _wrong_ , per se. But just watching him dating a pretty girl one day and breaking up with her the next for no apparent reason other than him having grown bored of the relationship so quickly, is enough to give Remus a headache. After 5 years one might say that he should have stopped minding, really, but that is in fact where the crush comes in. Because Remus Lupin has recently, after various studies on the subject, realised that he, no, is not in love, but that he has developed a ridiculously big crush on the even more ridiculous Sirius Orion Black.

Fate, if such a thing exists, must really have it out for him. A gay werewolf who is in love with one of his best mates? It’s absurd. It’s laughable. It’s - 

“Not impossible at all, right, Moony?” Remus blinks. 

“What?” James and Sirius are both looking at him expectantly. He should say something now. What was the question again? “Uh. Sure.” Best to just agree with whatever it is Sirius just said. It’s Friday morning, they only have Transfiguration and Divination today – well, Remus and Peter only have Transfiguration and Divination today, Sirius and James all decided to continue Potions, Sirius because he is talented and James because his lab partner Sirius is talented -, so it’s going to be quite a relaxing day. Remus can’t imagine that his friends would want to ruin that with - 

“Marvellous! Volunteers, hands up please.” Volunteers? Alarm bells are starting to ring in Remus’ head. What could Sirius possibly need volunteers for? He watches Peter busying himself with reading the paper, which is odd in itself, but it’s only when he sees James making sure to not look Sirius in the eye that he realises this might not be harmless at all. What did he just agree to? A serious crime? 

“Really? No one? What about you, Moony?” Shit. Sirius has finished trying to get Peter’s or James’ attention by affectionately punching them in the arm, his gaze now directed at Remus. Remus feels a little like a mouse that’s been trapped by a cat and knows there is no escape. 

“Ngh” he says, not really sure what he means by that. 

“Was that a yes? Are you in?” Remus looks from Sirius to James and Peter, who by now have dared to look up again and smile at him in what might be sympathy or malicious glee, he can’t quite tell, and then back to Sirius. Sirius smiles, and something inside him twists. No, he tells himself firmly. He is not going to become one of those mindless puppies who do as Sirius says without even questioning it. Definitely not. After watching others doing just that for years now, he will not make the same mistake. He will not. 

Sirius must have noticed Remus’ hesitation, because his smile drops and he gets that look in his eyes, a look that makes even James wince. 

“Okay” Remus blurts out. Sirius’ grin returns full force. Ah, damn it.

***

He finds out what he volunteered for during Divination. Professor Elwood is lovely, she really is, but like everybody she has flaws, in her case consisting of always smelling faintly like broomstick polish and not being able to keep any students from chatting during her class. Remus still doesn’t know how his friends could have convinced him to take Divination, back in third year. No, that’s wrong, he does know, he just doesn’t like to think about it.

***

_It’s the first day of the new term; the Great Hall is filled with tired students and teachers alike, everybody appearing to be wishing to go back to bed. James is already drinking his second cup of coffee, something which he must have picked up over the holidays. Remus can only presume that his friend thinks it’s a part of growing up, because he doesn’t seem to enjoy it in the slightest._

_Professor McGonagall interrupts their agreeable silence which all of them much appreciate by handing them their timetables. Peter doesn’t even stir; he has spent the past five minutes with his head on the table, eyes closed, but James proves himself to be a good friend by receiving the timetable in Peter’s name and then lighting it on fire the second Professor McGonagall looks away. Remus makes sure to snatch away Sirius’ timetable and puts it in his bag quickly before James can get a hold of that, too, and punish Sirius for having set his alarm clock to 8:50, a whole of ten minutes before classes start._  
_When that is taken care of, Remus starts to study his own schedule, and has only just noted that Monday is starting with two hours of Potions when James yelps, loud enough to wake Peter up:_

_“Remus!”_

_“What is it, James?” Remus inquires politely. James has been reading Remus’ class schedule over his shoulder and is now looking at him exasperated._

_“It says there that you have Muggle Studies!”_

_“Yes. That’s because I chose Muggle Studies as one of my elective classes.” Is he missing something obvious here? It feels like it, from the way James is behaving._

_“Didn’t you get my letter where I told you to choose Divination?” Remus has indeed gotten that letter, it arrived in the second week of the holidays and didn’t contain much more than the command to take Divination and to pass on the news to Sirius, whose family hadn’t allowed him to receive owls from James over the summer._

_“I did. I just decided to ignore it, since you didn’t give me any reason to do as you say.”_

_“But_ Muggle Studies _! You’re gonna have to do actual_ work _now, when you could’ve chosen Divination, where they pay you for doing nothing! It’s a walk in the park!”_

_“They don’t pay us” Remus points out._

_“But they might as well” James insists stubbornly. “You should’ve taken Divination. Pete, what did you choose?” Peter needs a few seconds before the words reach his sleepy brain._

_“Divination and Care of Magical Creatures” he eventually answers, and since this means he followed James’ instructions the latter gives him an approving smile before returning to torment Remus over unimportant matters._

_“See? Peter did it.”_

_“Peter, I assume, isn’t interested in neither Arithmancy nor Muggle Studies.” Or, to name a more realistic possibility, Peter just doesn’t want to do any more work than necessary, and has therefore chosen the two subjects which will guaranty just that._

_“And Sirius?” Instead of waiting for an answer, James decides to disregard any means of privacy and starts searching through Remus’ bag until he finds what he’s looking for. “Divination and...Arithmancy. Why would he take Arithmancy?” The last sentence is spoken in a crestfallen voice._

_Suddenly Remus is overcome with guilt. Sirius wasn’t allowed to receive owls from James or anybody else, but before the holidays began he talked to Remus about the upcoming election of the subjects. Sirius had not even thought about it yet, but had listened patiently when Remus told him about his interest in Arithmancy. Now, several months later, Remus wonders if his statements have made an impact on Sirius._

_“I’m sure he had his reasons” Peter says, the words almost swallowed by a big yawn._

_“I need to talk to him” James mutters as though he hasn’t heard a word Peter said. Come to think of it, he probably hasn’t, just like he now decides to ignore Remus’ protests as he stands up. “Don’t think I’m through with you yet” he warns Remus before leaving the Great Hall._

_***_

_“Let me get this straight. You want to change your elective subjects now, when the new term has already started, after you had months to think about your choice?” Professor McGonagall is looking at him like he’s gone mad. Remus isn’t surprised._  
_He awkwardly clears his throat._

_“Yes.”_

_“Are you alright, Mr. Lupin?”_

_“...yes.”_

_“Are you quite sure?” This time the pause is even longer before he answers:_

_“Yes.” Professor McGonagall gives him a sharp smile that doesn’t look amused at all. It’s not just the fact that he wants to switch subjects, Remus imagines, it’s also that he wants to drop Muggle Studies for Divination of all things._

_“Can you give me one good reason then before I start taking housepoints away for using up my precious time?”_

_Oh, Remus could give plenty. He could, for example, say that James has bullied him into it. He could say that he and Sirius have spent the whole night trying to convince him to change subjects, and that he just wants to_ sleep _, damn it. Or he could say that he already had his first lesson of Muggle Studies yesterday afternoon and it really wasn’t great at all, while his friends undoubtedly had a lot of fun in Divination. He could say that while he was sorted into Gryffindor, it was clearly a mistake, because he’s such a push-over it’s pathetic, really._  
_Remus doesn’t say any of those things. Instead he merely replies:_

_“Yesterday Peter and James blew up two teacups while Sirius convinced Professor Elwood to give him a pass on the essay the rest of the class has to write, because he wants to have time to channel his inner eye and concentrate on the depths of the beautiful power that is Divination without any distractions.” The last part is a direct quote, and it makes him cringe in second-hand embarrassment just thinking it. Professor McGongall’s look is already murderous, and he really wants to leave now, but he’s not quite done yet. Remus forces himself to sit a little straighter. “If I’d be in the same class as my friends, I might be able to stop them from doing anything...inconsiderate.” There is a long silence after that. Remus is almost convinced that his teacher is just thinking about what kind of punishment would be best for him, when she finally says:_

_“Alright.”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“I said alright. You can change subjects. Now get out of my office before I remember the rules of the school I’m teaching at.”_

_“Thanks, Professor.” His retreat is as rushed as he can make it without appearing to be rushed. The Transfiguration teacher probably knows, anyway. Remus has always suspected that she knows just how scary she is. And yet he just blackmailed her. The constant company of James and Sirius has really started to wear off on him._

***

And that had been it, really. Professor Elwood didn’t even bat an eyelid upon seeing a new student in her class, and James had been smug for weeks. Remus still likes to remind his friends of how he would have preferred Muggle Studies, but honestly, that’s a lie and they all know it. 

“Moony” Sirius whispers, and Remus turns around. He’s sharing a table with Peter, at least in theory. In reality Peter has gone off with James ten minutes ago, telling Professor Elwood some story about not feeling very well. The bastards are having a glorious time right now while he’s stuck in this overheated classroom, Remus thinks bitterly. This is what he gets for being the responsible one. 

“What is it?” he whispers back, and then decides that screw it, Peter and James aren’t coming back, he might as well sit down at Sirius’ table. 

“I planned it all” Sirius tells him excitedly once Remus is seated and Professor Elwood is finished handing out crystal balls. 

“Planned what exactly?” Remus asks distractedly. He’s currently trying to recognise anything at all in the object that’s supposed to tell him the future. This is just fog, he thinks. A lot of white fog. 

“Tonight! Us breaking into Filch’s office and reclaiming what’s rightfully ours! Don’t you ever listen to me?” 

“Not when I can help it” Remus responds with a smirk before his brain catches up with what Sirius just told him. He wants to break into Filch’s office. To ‘reclaim what’s rightfully theirs’. Is he supposed to know what his friend means by that? Or rather, which specific item he’s referring to, since over the years Filch has managed to take quite a lot of objects away from him, always instantly adding them to the list of banned objects if they haven’t been on there already. Up to this day there’s about one hundred and twenty out of three hundred and seventy five objects that have only been added because of them, Remus reckons.

“So you want to steal something” he states eventually when he can’t for the life of him remember what Sirius is talking about, because he thinks he’s read in a book about Psychology once that it’s good to repeat what the person you’re talking to just said to give them the impression you have been listening as well as to encourage them to elaborate. 

“STEAL” Sirius repeats, outraged and very loudly, causing Professor Elwood to look in their direction and making her way towards them. Both boys start looking at the crystal ball which still looks like nothing but fog to Remus. 

“Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black” the Divination teacher says once she is standing beside them, “would you like to tell me what you see?” Remus doesn’t see anything, so he keeps quiet, and he’s pretty sure his friend isn’t much better off, yet Sirius looks at Professor Elwood, smiles, and says brightly: 

“I think I saw Remus here, Professor.” Remus looks at him sharply. 

“Did you now?” he mutters under his breath while Professor Elwood urges Sirius to go on. Sirius doesn’t need to be asked twice, he’s in his element now. 

“The more I look, the clearer the image gets...it’s Remus and I, walking through Hogwarts...there, a door, and I open it, while Remus tells me not to...but what’s inside?” He comes a little closer to the ball, narrowing his eyes, while Professor Elwood leans forward in excitement and Remus just really wishes to be anywhere but here. “FILCH’S OFFICE” Sirius calls out in triumph and the Divination teacher gives a little shriek. “Filch’s office, empty, except for a rather large object on his desk, an object that looks familiar, because I’ve seen this object before...I can’t quite see what it is though...”

“Concentrate” Professor Elwood urges. Remus is pretty sure that only he can see Sirius’ smirk as he continues to look at the crystal ball. 

“It’s starting to get clearer...the fog disappears and lets me take a proper look...it’s a pipe! The pipe that rightfully belongs to me, the pipe that Filch took away from me so cruelly!” Filch, if Remus’ memory isn’t mistaken, took away the pipe Sirius found a few months ago after Sirius had hexed it into forming swear-words with smoke when you smoked it. 

Professor Elwood by now is starting to look suspicious, the reality finally catching up with her. Sirius, unaware, carries on. “I see myself taking the pipe. Remus says something, it looks like he’s congratulating me for my genius, and then he _kisses_ me, hard, on the mouth, making me drop the pipe which shatters on the floor to a thousand pieces, but I don’t care, because Remus has started undressing, and-“ The crystal ball is suddenly snatched away from Sirius by their furious Divination teacher. 

“Mr. Black, that would be ten house points from Gryffindor and a detention, tonight at 8 pm. You won’t be breaking into anybody’s office tonight. Also, come see me after the lesson if you please.” Some students have started snickering, but soon the excitement over something happening for once has worn off and everybody returns to their dull half-sleep soon. 

Sirius is looking very pleased with himself, and Remus kind of wants to kick him. No violence, he reminds himself. He’s not the violent one, he’s the responsible one, the quiet one, the mature one, the- 

“What the _hell_ was that, Sirius?” 

“A vision of the future, Moony, didn’t you hear?” 

“I didn’t mean the part about Filch – also, are you serious? A pipe? You want to do this because of a stupid _pipe_? - , I meant the...the PORN part.” The last part of the sentence comes out louder than he intended to. Several pupils are looking at him again, undoubtedly happy with the number of events happening in this otherwise boring lesson. The Divination teacher, too, has heard him, and is now saying: 

“That’s enough, Mr. Lupin. You may join Mr. Black in detention this evening. Class dismissed.” Sirius doesn’t spare him another glance as he saunters off to Professor Elwood’s desk. Remus gets some consolation out of the thought of Sirius probably being lectured right now, and decides to be kind and wait up for his friend outside of the classroom. He also can’t wait to hear Sirius’ explanation on what came into him before. 

 

Sirius’ conversation with their teacher takes a few minutes before he comes out of the room. 

“Just a chat about what’s appropriate for class and what isn’t” he says with a grin, not bothered at all it appears.

Of course he isn’t bothered, Remus thinks. Why would he? This is perfectly normal for Sirius, who is always pulling stunts like that for attention, who would probably paint himself blue if it would make people look at him – not that they aren’t looking at him everywhere he goes already. But usually James is his partner in crime whenever he needs a victim, and James is always willing to play along. Remus imagines James not only getting Sirius blue paint and a brush but also helping him paint the parts of his back Sirius can’t reach on his own.  
Remus isn’t James though, so instead of snogging Sirius right in front of Professor Elwood just to see the look on her face when he does it, he once again asks his friend: 

“Why’d you do it?” They are still going down the stairs of the tower Divination is held in, now almost on the ground floor. The staircase is narrow, which means it’s basically impossible for two adults to walk next to each other, but they are both still teenagers, and slim ones at that, so they can manage, barely. Remus doesn’t even pretend to dislike Sirius accidentally brushing against him several times. 

“Do what, the ‘porn’?” Sirius sounds amused. “I don’t know. Call it artistic freedom if you like.” 

“You didn’t write our biography, Sirius” Remus points out. 

“No, I just informed our teacher about a future event that is bound to happen at some point.” He shrugs, unaware that Remus’ mouth has suddenly gone dry. Sirius is talking about the ‘breaking into Filch’s office’ part, he _knows_ that, but still, the implications...

“So we on for tonight then? Elwood isn’t gonna let us grade her papers or whatever it is she wants us to do for more than two hours, I reckon, still plenty of time left then to fulfil our mission.” He should say No. _No, Sirius, I will not accompany you on this silly trip, I will go straight to bed after the detention YOU landed me in, and then I will laugh when you tell me about how Filch caught you in the act_. He really should say just that. He really should...

“Fine, whatever.” Seriously, what _is_ wrong with him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading ! Reviews, as always, are very welcome ! :)


	4. Of Chains and Pipes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here comes Chapter 3, or rather Chapter 2 B. Enjoy!

Professor Elwood does indeed let them grade papers, so under her stern look Remus and Sirius read badly-written essays about tea leaves and obviously made-up visions by third-year students.  
The torture is over after a little over two hours, Sirius was right about that, at least.

What a way to spend a Friday evening. To be fair, Sirius really is worse off, because not only did he miss Quidditch practise, he’s also had to deal with James’ yelling after he had informed his friend about missing said Quidditch practise. The next game, as far as Remus is concerned, doesn’t take place for another six weeks, but James doesn’t take chances this year, not now, when he’s finally the captain of the Gryffindor team and can drill his teammates as hard as he pleases. It’s Sirius’ second year on the team, Remus knows, and the combination of him, James and Quidditch is...it’s complicated, frankly. 

Last year Sirius participated in the Gryffindor try-outs, applying for the position of the Beater. James at that time had already been Gryffindor’s Seeker for two years, and had convinced Sirius to try out, too...

***                                                                                                                                      _  
_

_“You have to” James tells Sirius mercilessly, leaving no room for an argument. “We need a beater who isn’t shit, and nobody but that idiot Wilkinson is trying out.” Julian Wilkinson is a short, but muscular boy in Sixth year, and James hates his guts since he spotted him giving Lily tutor lessons once two years back. Remus has never seen the other boy play, but he’s learned not to trust James’ opinion when it comes to matters that involve Lily in some way, and these days almost every matter involves Lily in some way._

_“I don’t have a broomstick” says Sirius reasonably. “And why don’t I have a broom? Because I don’t. Play. Quidditch.”_

_It’s true, too. Back in first year it had become quite clear that Sirius is brilliant on a broomstick, which is not surprising for Sirius, despite all his efforts to hide it, does come from a pureblood wizard family, meaning he’s probably had some practise in his childhood. But that’s just it, Remus knows by now. Orion Black, back in his school days, has been one of the chasers in the Slytherin Quidditch team, and Sirius would rather be damned before he follows in his father’s footsteps._

_“We have, like, three broomsticks at home you could use, Mom would be thrilled to lend you her old one, I bet.” James is probably right about that. Over the course of the last years Remus has met Mrs Potter a few times, and has gotten the impression that she’s every bit the loving, generous woman James always describes her as. “Also, you don’t need to play Quidditch, you just need to be able to hit a few balls with a bat. How hard can that be?”_

_"It’s hard when the ball tries to cause you severe injuries” Remus says and gets a glare in return. He focuses his attention back on his book. One doesn’t need to be a genius to know how the argument will turn out. James and Sirius are both stubborn, but in the end James is the more persistent one, while Sirius is more likely to grow bored of the topic and therefore give in. He’s not sure which is worse, actually._

_So Sirius ends up trying out, just as everybody who has known him and James for a bit knew he would. Remus isn’t at the pitch to watch, but later Peter tells him that most of the people there sucked, and that Sirius’ chances are good. This Quidditch obsession is not something Remus pretends to understand, but it’s obviously important to a lot of people so he tries to smile in a supportive way when Peter goes on about the more daring of Sirius’ moves at the try-outs._

_Peter ends up being right about Sirius’ standing a good chances. The lists about who made the team are in the Gryffindor common room a day later. James of course is still the Seeker, nobody doubted that for a second. In the end there is only two new additions to the team, to fill in the gaps of two girls who graduated last year._

_No one is surprised when Sirius’ name is found on the list, and those who were watching yesterday and have seen him play are just as unfazed by the sight of Julian Wilkinson on there, too. The team captain, a fair-haired girl in seventh year called Fillistia Perkins, has – and this is a surprise, even for those who were watching – given the position of the Beater to Wilkinson, and made Sirius the team’s Keeper. When asked about it by a crestfallen James, Remus watches as she shrugs and simply says:_

_“Julian’s the better Beater. I’m sure Sirius will make a brilliant Keeper though, don’t worry.” What she doesn’t understand is that it’s not about worrying about the team’s skills but about how things didn’t go according to James’ plan. The latter is gloomy for twenty minutes, he even joins Remus on the sofa and tries to read over his shoulder before he decides that he isn’t interested in Jane Austen’s Emma, after all._

_Sirius comes through the portrait hole soon afterwards and is already being congratulated by several giggling third-years as well as Wilkinson. He, too, sits down on the sofa in the small space between Remus and James._

_“Alright?” he asks, before his grin fades upon seeing James’ dejected look. The switch is instant, he goes from faintly amused and cheerful to worried in not more than the blink of an eye. “What’s wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?”_

_“Perkins made you_ Keeper _” James says. If this was Remus in Sirius’ position he probably would have recognised at this point that James is merely sulking over something idiotic he will get over soon, but Sirius clearly has a different view, because the visible concern on his face has been joined by dejection, too._

_“Oh” he says. “I’m sorry.” This is wrong, Remus thinks, Sirius shouldn’t be apologising. He feels oddly thrown back into first year, when Sirius apologised for assuming Remus’ scars came from somebody abusing him. And while one could argue that back then Sirius’ apology was justified – after all, he did avoid Remus for a whole day before that, making him nearly sick with worry – this is certainly not a situation Sirius should be sorry for._

_“A Keeper is just as important for the game as a Beater” he therefore says, just to get that awful look to disappear from Sirius’ face. But Sirius isn’t listening to him, he’s still looking at James, his whole posture screaming of uncharacteristic insecurity. Remus tries not to be bitter about this, tries not to be jealous that Sirius is clearly choosing James’ opinion over his, if only for the moment._

_“I can, I mean, if you want me to, I can maybe talk to Perkins, see if I can still get off the team, there’s probably lots of people who’d do a better job, I just-“ Sirius trails off, at loss. His rambling was enough though to catch James’ attention, and now he looks like he wants him and Sirius to have a MOMENT. Would it be insensitive to leave now, Remus wonders, but reckons it’s too late for that._

_“You’ll be GREAT, Sirius, don’t be an idiot. It would’ve been nice if you’d have been a Beater, ‘cause honestly, I’m not sure if I can manage a whole year of Quidditch practise without punching Wilkinson’s stupid face. But if you’re a Keeper that’s brilliant, too, mate, as long’s you’re on the team.” James’ fingers are entangled with Sirius’, Remus notices, and their knees are touching. There’s nothing sexual about it, no romantic tension, and there never was. It’s not about sex; it’s about giving Sirius the physical contact his family failed – still fails – to deliver._

_Finally Sirius looks relieved, ridiculously so, as though James had just told him his death sentence would be postponed, after all._

_The conversation soon changes, the previous topic already forgotten, and the next day Sirius and James are skipping breakfast just to warm up on the Quidditch pitch, just the two of them, before the rest of the team arrives. Remus never hears them talk about Sirius’ not getting the Quidditch position he tried out for again, most likely because James already said everything there is to say on the subject. Sirius doesn’t seem to mind either, and says as much when Peter asks him about it, once a few days after the try-outs. What he doesn’t say but what all of them know, anyway, is that he doesn’t mind because joining the team has been about James, not about him, and he would’ve tried out for any position if James had demanded it._

_It’s somewhat ironic, really: Sirius, who calls himself a free spirit, who doesn’t obey any laws, least of all his parents, will, should James tell him to jump, merely ask “how high?”. The whole of Hogwarts idolises Sirius Black, who in return only idolises James and doesn’t even notice that the castle has other students, too. It would be an incredibly unhealthy relationship, if it were anybody else. But this is Sirius Black and James Potter, and somehow, it works. They make it work._

_***_

“Do you think James is gonna kill you?” Remus asks conversationally as they walk through Hogwarts’ hallways. It’s dark outside, and the castle itself is only lit by few candles, after all, the students aren’t supposed to leave their common rooms anymore at this time. 

“Nah” Sirius replies. “He already shouted at me for twenty minutes, I think he’s over it by now.” That’s not an exaggeration, James did shout at Sirius for twenty minutes, Remus, together with everybody else who was in the common room earlier that day, heard it loud and clearly coming from the sixth year’s boy’s dormitory, the yelling only occasionally interrupted by Sirius’ barking laughter. 

“Maybe” Remus agrees. “And if he isn’t, his throat will be too sore to do more screaming...where are we going?” He has noticed, belatedly so, that this is definitely not the way to their common room. Sirius throws him a cheeky grin. 

“Don’t you remember? We have a mission.” 

“Oh no” he exclaims before he can help himself. Sirius’ smirk widens. 

“Oh yes.”

“No way” Remus says firmly. “We literally JUST got out of detention.” 

“Moony” Sirius whines. “You _promised_.” He’s right, Remus did promise, promised twice in fact. 

“Go on then, lead the way.” Sometimes he wonders how he ever got made prefect in the first place, because scenarios like this happen way too often to justify anybody calling him responsible. 

“I knew I could count on you. You know, we could totally do something to Filch’s office while we’re at it. Set it to fire, flood it, swamp it with frogs, what do you think?” Oh yeah, that’s right. Professor McGonagall made him prefect because the alternative would’ve been a boy with less authority than Remus, a boy who has alarming stalking tendencies, and a boy who just suggested to set fire to school’s property.

***

Unlike James or Sirius Remus has been inside of Filch’s office only once before, not because he hasn’t done enough things that would deserve punishment but because these things usually had nothing to do with Filch, and he didn’t get caught for the ones that did. It’s not about being better at pulling pranks, because this James and Sirius are definitely better at. The solution is simple, really: Remus doesn’t get caught a lot because he doesn’t take risks. Whenever he’s agreed to take part in some sort of practical joke he only stays as long to deliver his task, he never stays around to watch the results, whilst his friends are physically incapable of backing off before they’ve seen the outcome of their work. 

The last time he was here was about three years ago. From what he can see now, with the small room lit by a dim light coming from Sirius’ wand due to a Lumos spell, nothing much has changed. Of course, Filch certainly doesn’t seem like the type of person who redecorates just for the hell of it, or at all, really. Are these chains hanging from the walls? 

“Are these chains up there?” Sirius asks just when Remus finishes his thought. 

“Looks like it. I don’t even want to know, to be honest. Found the pipe yet?” The dark-haired boy shakes his head. 

“No. Can you have a look in the cupboard over there?” 

“Why is this damn thing so bloody important to you, anyway?” Remus asks a minute later, rummaging in the cupboard Sirius pointed at. He’s got his wand stuck between his teeth while he searches, not willing to do it in utter darkness. Despite the light source he doesn’t see the spider – at least he assumes it’s a spider – crawling over his hand right now, and the wand promptly falls to the floor as he yelps in surprise. Sirius, the prick, laughs softly from the other end of the room.

“Alright, Moony?” 

“Never been better” he says with clenched teeth while frantically rubbing his hand on his jumper, suddenly overcome with the need to shower, before he keeps searching. “Question stands.” 

“It’s mine – ow!” Sirius has hit his head on something Remus can’t quite make out in the dark. At least they’re both suffering tonight, he thinks. “Filch had no right to take it.” 

“You found the pipe in some classroom, since when does that make it yours?” 

“Finders keepers” says Sirius, the shrug almost audible. “Also, it wasn’t a classroom, Reg ga- found it! Finally!” Both boys get up. Remus tries to brush the dust off his clothes for a moment before he decides that he doesn’t care that much, anyway. 

“Are we done here, then? Can we go now?” he asks and makes sure to sound as tired and cranky as he feels, just to make Sirius feel guilty. He’s on his way to the door already when something suddenly stops him: Sirius has grabbed his wrist, effectively preventing him from moving. Dear Merlin, hopefully Sirius was kidding about the fire. 

“Wait up a sec there, Moony.” They’re standing very close to each other, only a few centimetres and even fewer layers of clothing apart, just like that night in first year. But they aren’t eleven year old anymore, Remus is suddenly painfully aware of this as he looks into Sirius’ grey eyes, still feeling his friend’s hand clutching his wrist. Not quite adults yet, but certainly no children, either. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What do you mean?” He’s abruptly struck with the horrible thought that he’s imagining the sexual tension between them, that this is normal for Sirius, just like he’s holding hands with James without thinking anything of it. Oh Gosh, that’s probably it. Sirius has spent too much time with his best friend and as now lost every grip of reality, isn’t thinking twice about this situation. 

“My vision, Moony. I won’t get an Outstanding again this year if it doesn’t come true...”

“And what a shame that would be” Remus manages to say in spite of the lump in his throat. Has his voice always sounded this rough? “What with you making such a great Seer and all.” 

“Professor Elwood says I’d be very good, if I wouldn’t be so distracted all the time.” Sirius comes even closer, leans forward just a bit more, and if it weren’t so dark Remus could surely see the small scar right under Sirius’ left eye, the one that’s only visible if one looks very, very closely. 

“Professor Elwood also said that _Peter_ had the Inner Eye, so I wouldn’t bet too much on the value of her statements.” 

“You wound me. I’d have thought you of all people would encourage me wanting to achieve a better grade.” Right, he’s definitely _not_ imagining the way Sirius is looking at his mouth. Shit, this can’t be real. They can’t have their first kiss in Filch’s office of all places, and hell, ‘first kiss’ implies that there will be a second one, or a kiss at all, when Remus is still not entirely sure what Sirius is playing at. 

And then there is no more room for doubts, because Sirius moves fast and meets Remus’ lips with his own. 

It’s not perfect. Sirius’ mouth tastes like the pumpkin juice he drank earlier, and Remus has never been a fan of that. But he’s also able to detect the chocolate he and Sirius shared earlier, which makes up for the pumpkin juice, and then of course there is the feeling of Sirius’ one hand around the back of his neck, pulling him closer, and the other having moved from holding Remus’ wrist to holding his hand. Remus thinks he could go on like this forever, and so does Sirius, judging from the noises he’s making. And maybe - 

“Now _what_ do we have here?” – and maybe Filch will choose this exact moment to come in and interrupt them.

***

“Students out of bed” the caretaker tells Gryffindor’s head of house with relish. Professor McGonagall is dressed in a chequered nightgown and matching slippers, and doesn’t look pleased at all about having been awakened at midnight. They are all currently in her office, she’s sitting behind a desk and the other three standing. Filch is pointing accusingly at Remus and Sirius, obviously taking pleasure of the situation. “Found ‘em in my office, which they must’ve been broken into, like the thieves they are. Wonder where you’d learn how to break locks, eh, boys?” 

“Argus” Professor McGonagall says in a tired voice. “Get to the point. Did they steal anything?” Both adults are looking at the two students now. For a moment Remus thinks that Sirius is going to deny everything, but then his friend pulls out the pipe out of his pocket. 

“Filthy thief” Filch immediately says triumphantly. 

“Why would you steal that pipe, Mr. Black?” the teacher asks. Remus finds himself being a bit annoyed by her assumption that it was Sirius’ fault, that he’s just the poor, innocent kid who was dragged into this without his consent. 

“WE stole it” he says when Sirius doesn’t reply immediately, and knows without looking that Sirius has just raised his head to look at him in surprise. “It’s just that this pipe belonged to my grandfather, Professor, and he gave it to me. I probably shouldn’t have taken it to school with me, but it’s all I’ve left from him...so when Filch – Mr. Filch – took it from me, I asked Sirius to help me get it back.” Professor McGonagall doesn’t look like she believes a word of what he just said, which is understandable, Remus wouldn’t believe himself, either. 

“Mr. Lupin, when you were made a prefect it was because I trusted you to put a stop to any trouble you sense rising, not starting it.” 

“But Remus’ grandfather-“ Sirius begins, and stops mid-sentence when his head of house glares at him. 

“Frankly, I don’t care _whom_ this pipe supposedly belongs to, it’s not an excuse to desert your beds in the middle of the night, leave alone break into someone’s office. This will be 20 house points from both of you, and you can be sure that there will be detention, too, which I shall inform you of tomorrow morning, after I return to my well-deserved sleep – _yes_ , Argus?” Her glare is now directed at Filch, who apparently isn’t done yet. 

“I also caught ‘em snogging” he announces, more gleeful than Remus has ever seen him before. His mind jumps to the chains he saw in the caretaker’s office before he can stop himself. 

“Pardon?” Professor McGonagall asks, frowning. 

“Snogging” Filch repeats smugly. “In my office, the both of ‘em, disgracing the school with their filth.” Remus wouldn’t be surprised if Hogwarts’ caretaker wasn’t actually homophobic but just looking for an excuse to get back at them. Not that he cares, anyway. He’s used to jokes about his shabby clothes, the scars on his face, he certainly can take jokes about his sexuality. Sirius, though, might not be this relaxed about it, and indeed, when Remus glances in his friend’s direction he sees the other boy pale and tense. He resists the urge to take his hand and instead looks back at the Gryffindor head of house who, too, has tensed. 

“Thank you, Argus” she says, colder than just a second ago. “That will be all.” Filch nods and excuses himself, sneering at the two students on his way out. Then the door falls shut, and Remus feels suddenly nervous. He’s been raised in the Muggle world, he knows how many people react to gay blokes. 

“Mr. Lupin, Mr. Black, if I ever hear of you sneaking around after the curfew again, I’ll double the amount of house points I’ve just taken from you. I want you to know that I’m very disappointed in the both of you. Mr. Black, hand me that pipe.” Sirius, very reluctantly, hands it over, and they watch as Professor McGonagall locks it in her desk’s top drawer. 

"You’ll get that back, Mr. Lupin, when I feel like you’re acting like a prefect again – not that I believe one bit of that story about your grandfather. As I said, you’ll both be notified about your detention. Now, if there is nothing else that needs my immediate attention, I’d like to go back to sleep, and suggest that you do the same. You will go directly to your dormitory, no detour, no delay, that includes any more romantic affections on you way there. In fact, I propose you refrain from _any_ romantic affections until you talked to Madame Pomfrey, as I advise every couple.” A brief silence occurs, in which neither Remus nor Sirius know what to reply. Finally Professor McGonagall sighs. 

“Dismissed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading, I'd love to hear what you think!


	5. Of New Friends and Revealed Secrets

The note about the detention does indeed arrive the next morning, but Sirius isn’t here to take it. Professor McGonagall scowls at this and informs Remus that not showing up for the detention because he ‘didn’t know about it’ is no excuse. 

“What happened yesterday, anyway?” asks Peter when their teacher has gone. 

“I could ask you the same. You just left in the middle of Divination class and never bothered showing up for dinner.” 

“James and I had some business to take care of” Peter says with a secretive smile. It’s the same expression he and the others are always carrying these days when they just disappear randomly and won’t tell Remus what they were up to afterwards. “And it didn’t land us in detention, did it? So what happened?” Remus gives Peter the short version of yesterday’s events, starting with Divination and Sirius’ ‘vision’. He leaves out the part about the kissing though, and ends his story with Filch leaving and Professor McGonagall telling him he won’t get ‘his’ pipe back until further notice, not mentioning the comment about Madam Pomfrey. 

Peter is a great listener, always has been. He laughs at the right times and asks questions to show that he’s genuinely interest in what one has to say, but also notices dramatic pauses and waits patiently whenever one occurs. And he usually doesn’t question the details, the way James does, which means that Remus won’t be called out on leaving things out, since James isn’t here, either. 

“Where are James and Sirius?” he asks. Peter immediately gets that secretive look again. 

“Planning a prank” is the answer he gives, and Remus doesn’t believe him but also decides not to bugger Peter too much about it. Right now he’s rather glad that Sirius isn’t at breakfast. They haven’t talked since they left Professor McGonagall’s office yesterday night, apart from a brief conversation on how much it sucked that Filch took the pipe from them. Later Remus was still lying in bed, wide awake, and made the decision that he won’t address the kiss until Sirius does, and if Sirius never wants to mention it again, that’s fine by him. 

“Hey, Peter?” 

“Mh?” 

“What would you do if, hypothetically speaking, one of your friends was gay?” Sort of fine, anyway.   
Peter frowns for a second, then starts grinning. 

“Been talking to Sirius, have you?” 

“No” Remus says slowly, confused. “Why, what’s it got to do with Sirius?” His friend instantly pales and fixes his gaze stubbornly on the table in front of him, obviously avoiding to look at Remus. 

“Nothing, nothing. Nevermind. Forget I said anything. So, if one of my friends was gay, yeah?”

“Hypothetically speaking” Remus adds, at which Peter raises one eyebrow, a skill which all of them can do after James once spent a whole Sunday afternoon teaching them. It’s a great way to show off to strangers. It’s also incredibly annoying when your friends do it to you. 

“Of course. Um. I don’t know, mate. Guess it wouldn’t really change anything, right?” 

“Right” Remus echoes. “And what if, say, hypothetically speaking, one of your friends was gay and fancied another one of your friends, who was straight?” 

“Remus” Peter says, his tone suddenly uncharacteristically sharp, “cut the hypothetical-bullshit. You’re gay, and you fancy James or Sirius, don’t you?” Shit. Shit shit shit. Aboard mission, a voice yells inside of Remus’ head, the first sign of schizophrenia, probably. He chose Peter for this conversation because he made the mistake of assuming that Peter isn’t as observant as James would be, but clearly he was wrong. 

He looks up, and see that Peter is looking at him, too. 

“Is there any way I can save this?” he asks faintly, already knowing the answer before Peter shakes his head and offers him a smile. 

“Nope. So, James or Sirius?” Remus doesn’t reply, and has to admit that this is not just about the fact that this is one of his best mates talking to him about him fancying another one of their best mates. No, it’s also that, well, he doesn’t particularly enjoy talks about crushes, be it his own or other’s. He blames it on James, for never shutting up about Lily. Everybody would be traumatised by that. 

Peter, who can never take a hint, just keeps talking aloud, and Remus suddenly thinks that James and Peter are more alike than he thought, in some ways.

“James has this whole funny-guy-thing going for him, and he’s a genius when it comes to think of pranks. You always let him copy your homework, but then, you do that with Sirius and me, too. Also James is mentioning Lily in nearly every second conversation right now, so a crush would be really painful. And he keeps waking everybody up to do runs with him, and just last week you made me swear not to ever tell James that you’re smoking. In conclusion, if you were to fancy James you’d be willing to sacrifice your unhealthy lifestyle.”

Remus has no idea where his friends got the idea from that he’s living unhealthy. Lots of teenagers eat greesy food and don’t do sports, he’s really just fitting in. And he’s about 85 per-cent sure that he hasn’t declined ALL of the runs James wanted him to participate in this year. In fact, Remus is convinced that he went to at least two of them. Or one. Okay, none. Which is still totally fine because he’s burning plenty calories with his werewolf-transformation once a month. And he’s not even smoking THAT much. 

“Sirius, on the other hand, not only doesn’t make you do sports but also shares all of his fags with you. He’s never talked about fancying anyone, despite all the girls that are practically ready to jump him, and he’s got great hair and abs. I mean, have you _seen_ his abs?” 

“You aren’t gay” Remus points out, and receives an affronted look in return. 

“No, but I’m also not _blind_ , mate. So, it’s Sirius, isn’t it?” Peter seems to take Remus’ stoic silence as confirmation, because he adds, lacking any context slash insight of human nature: “Oh, that’s brilliant.” 

“How” Remus begins, “how the _hell_ is that brilliant?” He wants to say more, but Peter already got up while he was still speaking, with his buttered toast remaining only half-eaten on the table. Remus follows his gaze and spots James standing in the entrance to the Great Hall, waving at them. 

“Gotta go, Remus, I’ll talk to you later. Bye!” Okay, waving at _Peter_ , apparently, because all everybody ever does these days is leaving Remus out of things, ignoring him, not inviting him along, and he isn’t even surprised when he feels the urge to scream in frustration. Fuck this, he decides, he’s getting himself some new friends.

***

Making new friends turns out to be surprisingly easy, actually. Remus doesn’t have to do much more than sit in the library at one of the tables set up for studying longer than half an hour before a chair next to him scrapes over the floor and somebody sits down next to him. He knows without looking up that it’s neither Peter, James or Sirius, because if it was, they’d have made more noise by now and possibly already set fire to something. 

The softly-spoken “Hi” surprises him. He feels obligated to take off the glasses with the black, thick frames Sirius makes fun of so much, and look at whoever spoke to him. 

Cornelius Odd is a Slytherin and in the same year as Remus. They actually have a few classes together, though Remus can’t recall ever having talked to the other boy. He knows that Cornelius has two younger sisters, one in Ravenclaw and the other in Hufflepuff, has seen both of them getting sorted. He also knows that Cornelius likes Transfiguration and thinks Quidditch is stupid, because the Slytherin said as much to Lily Evans the other day, which James informed Remus of immediately like the stalker he is. 

“Hey” Remus greets him, a bit wary on what Cornelius could possibly want from him. 

“Not with your friends today?” Cornelius asks while getting some text books out of his bag. 

“Clearly not” says Remus dryly. “They only go to the library when it can’t be avoided at any costs, and most of the time it can be. Avoided, I mean.” This makes Cornelius laugh. It’s a nice laugh, Remus thinks, a laugh he’s already heard a few times whenever he’s seen the other boy talk to his sisters or friends in the hallways. 

“Hah, yeah, I noticed.” They fall silent for a bit after that. Cornelius starts taking notes on a text passage in his textbook for Defense of the Dark Arts, and Remus continues with his essay for Charms which is due in two days. So far he’s written three sentences, and keeps crossing out words. 

The silence is not an uncomfortable one, but Cornelius eventually breaks it with: 

“So, er, you’re friends with Black, right?” Typical, the Gryffindor thinks, that a boy he’s never really talked to knows who his friends are, simply because he only has three. Four, if you count Lily, who sometimes lends him books, five if the Nearly Headless Nick is an option. 

“Yeah.” 

“Right. Hey, um, do you know if Black has a...girlfriend?” 

“No” Remus answers, “No, I don’t think so.” Would he even know if Sirius had one? Would Sirius tell him? Peter was right earlier, when he said that Sirius doesn’t talk about crushes. But is that because he doesn’t have any, or because he doesn’t feel the need to share? “Why’d you ask?” The blush is a bit hard to detect under Cornelius’ tanned skin – Remus absently wonders where the hell you would get a tan in November, in _Scotland_ , nonetheless – but it’s definitely there. 

“I was just wondering...boyfriend?” Oh. _Ohh_. This is where Cornelius is getting at. 

“No” he repeats and gets a warm smile in return. Cornelius sure has a nice smile, perfectly fitting with his nice laugh. In fact, Cornelius himself seems like a nice guy, with fairly good looks and fairly high intelligence. And he’s interested in Sirius, that’s obvious. For a second Remus considers pitying the other boy, because there is no way Sirius would ever be interested. Not only because Sirius is straight, but also because Cornelius is a Slytherin, and Sirius is annoyingly bigoted about that. But then he looks at Cornelius, who’s still smiling, and thinks about it. 

Maybe Sirius would make an exception for a Slytherin, if they are charming enough. And about Sirius’ sexuality...has Remus ever heard Sirius comment on that? Has Sirius ever given him the indication to be interested in a specific gender? No, he hasn’t, because Sirius flirts with everyone alike, no matter what gender they are. For the first time in almost six years Remus realises that he actually has no idea if Sirius is straight, bisexual, gay, or something else. 

Then again...the kiss last night, the kiss he’s forbidden himself from thinking about, that kiss was a pretty good indicator that Sirius is, if maybe not gay, then definitely not straight, either. 

“Lupin? Alright?” Cornelius is looking at him, frowning. 

“Yeah, sorry, I just spaced out for a second. Where were we?” 

“I just asked you if you think Black would be...interested.” Oh right. 

“Er.” The thing is, while Remus has no idea if Sirius would be interested or not, he knows one thing for certain: He doesn’t _want_ Sirius to be interested.   
But he can hardly say that. “I don’t really know, to be honest. What I can tell you though is...”

However, what he can definitely do is: Following James’ path in being a spiteful ten year old who acts on the philosophy ‘if I can’t have it, you can’t have it either’. 

“Sirius likes people who are really straight-forward. The more obvious your intentions are, the better.” 

“You mean, I should...just confess to him?” Remus smiles, and silently hates himself for what he’s about to do. 

“That’s exactly what I mean.” He’s only feeling a little guilty when Cornelius pats him on the shoulder and thanks him for his help.

***

 

Christmas is nearing when Remus finally learns the big secret his friends managed to hide from him for the past year or so. 

It’s a week after his little chat with Cornelius, who hasn’t made an appearance since. Sirius, who’s been acting like the kiss never happened, hasn’t said anything about the matter, so Remus assumes that Cornelius backed out of his plan. Suits him just as well. Of course he knows that at some point, Sirius will be in a relationship, be it with a boy or a girl, and then there will be nothing Remus can do to stop it. He keeps telling himself that he won’t mind, that stopping Cornelius was just a one-time thing, that he never plans on interfering in Sirius’ love life again because he knows that he made a mistake the first time around. He keeps telling himself all that, but can never quite bring himself to believe it. 

He’s just entering the Gryffindor common room when he runs into James, who beams at him. 

“Moony” the other boy exclaims, “I was just about to look for you.” 

“Is this about the holidays again?” Remus asks, eyebrows raised. “I told you my parents wanted me home.”

He’s referring to the Christmas break starting in just two weeks. Originally James had invited all of his friends to his house over the holidays, and for a little while they had made grand plans on what they would do at the Potter Manor. Then they had all written home to ask permission, and their plans were crushed by strict parental exercise of authority. It turned out that Peter’s mother wants him home for the family Christmas celebrations.

Remus’ parents don’t care so much about the family celebration of Christmas as him being home in general. Because both Remus’ and Peter’s parents always complain about them not writing enough letters home – Remus’ letters did admittedly become fewer and shorter every year he’s been to Hogwarts now, and Peter never wrote much to begin with – they were able to guilt-trip them both into going home.

Sirius of course is a different matter, just like he’s always a different matter. His parents don’t care about seeing him at all, but still commanded – and that’s what they did, while the Pettigrews as well as the Lupins at least phrased their order as a polite request – their firstborn son to return home over the holidays, most likely so he can accompany them to social events. It doesn’t need to be mentioned that Sirius is in a rather dark mood ever since he received his mother’s letter about the topic. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, just come with me.” James practically shoves him towards the entrance to their dormitory and up the stairs. 

He’s not surprised to find that Sirius and Peter are waiting in their shared dorm, wearing matching grins, although they seem nervous, too; Sirius can’t stay still and Peter’s gaze is restless.   
Remus, on James’ order, sits down on his bed, and waits for his friends to explain themselves. This is not even that unusual of a situation, actually. Maybe they’ve broken his reading glasses again, or they accidentally burned his Potions essay – it really is worrying how a lot of things that happen in this dormitory are explained by somebody having set fire to something –, or they just want to tell him about a prank they are planning. 

“Remus” James starts, and from the solemn tone of voice he’s using Remus knows he’s in for a longer speech. “Ever since we learned of your furry problem, as one might call it, we have been accepting.” Remus instantly tenses up, as always when his lycanthropy is mentioned. “Accepting, but not really helping.” James is looking at Remus as he speaks, and Peter is looking at Remus because James is looking at him, too. Sirius on the other hand, ever since James started talking pale and shaky, is looking at the floor, which strikes Remus as odd. Usually Sirius plays part in James’ speeches.

“That” James says louder than necessary, probably because he noticed that Remus isn’t fully paying attention anymore, “will change from now on. We” – he points at Peter, Sirius and himself – “will be helping you from now on. We will take some of the weight you carry on your back off you. We will be there for you, more than ever before, we will-“

“Is there a point to this?” Remus asks. Peter makes an odd choking noise, and Sirius pats him cheerfully on the back.   
James looks offended. 

“Of course there is. There’s never _not_ a point when I’m speaking, Remus. My words are always from greater meaning, and-“ 

“Mate” Sirius says. “Not now.” 

“Fine” James all but growls, and then he’s grinning at Remus. “Now watch closely, because what you’re about to see will change your life, my life, all our lives, it will-“ 

He’s cut short when suddenly Sirius disappears and a huge, black dog is standing where Sirius stood. “I wasn’t finished” mutters James, before he, too, disappears, a stag having taken his place. First Remus thinks that his friends learned how to apparate, in Hogwarts, nonetheless, and thatthis is some practical joke they’re playing on him. This is until his glance falls on Peter, the only one still standing in the room, and is able to watch the full transformation this time. The transformation from a short, rather chubby boy into a rat. 

This is when Remus realises that his friends didn’t learn how to apparate. No. They learned how to become Animagi.

***

In later years, the Marauders don’t talk about what Remus’ reaction to his friends’ transformation was. They don’t talk about how he cried when he first fully grasped what his friends have done for him.

They don’t talk about how James and Peter changed back so they could hug Remus, and they don’t talk about how Sirius didn’t change back for precisely the same reason. They don’t talk about Remus’ yelling when he was done crying, his anger at the risk his friends had taken, and they don’t talk about how at this Sirius, too, finally changed back into his human form in order to yell right back at Remus, telling him to stop being a prick with no self-worth whatsoever. 

They don’t talk about how Remus apologised, and then said “thank you” over and over again until Peter threatened to punch him. 

They don’t talk about how they all slept in the same bed that night, something they hadn’t done since Sirius had a breakdown in first grade. 

They don’t talk about any of that, because they don’t need to. It’s present in all of their memories, to never be forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter than usual, but it felt right to end it here. Hope you enjoyed it anyway, leave a comment if you did ! :)


	6. Of Pain and Joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everybody who left kudos / left a lovely comment, thank you so much !!   
> I was going to post this chapter earlier, but then I was struck with an annoyingly huge case of writer's block. Sorry for the delay !

Christmas at the Lupin’s household is always a mixture of joy and pain. Joy because Remus does love his family, because this is his home, because sometimes he enjoys being away from Hogwarts for a little bit. 

Pain because as much as his family loves him in return, he’s not blind to the pitying looks thrown at him by his aunts and uncles, not deaf to his parents talking quietly about him in the kitchen when he’s supposed to be in bed. 

Pain because this is his home, and there will be more painful memories connected to this place than there ever could be to Hogwarts. 

Pain because he never actually enjoys being away from Hogwarts, not even for a little bit, as this is the one place where he knows he’ll be accepted.

 

Unlike the Marauders, as they call themselves now, the Lupins have never been able to overlook his lycanthropy entirely when talking to him, and Remus can’t blame them, but what he can do is pity himself until the Hogwarts express takes off.

 

This year he’s not fully involved in the celebrations, his mind still lingering at the events before the holidays. During the day he misses his friends altogether, and during the night he just misses Sirius.

His mother notices that something is off after he spends two hours staring at the tree ornaments in their boxes instead of putting them up the tree, and forces him to talk about it.   
The chat ends with Remus getting sent to his room for the rest of the evening because he cursed under his breath when Hope Lupin asked him if he had “boy problems”, and swear words are strictly forbidden in the Lupin household. 

“But honestly, who wouldn’t react with a ‘fuck’ when finding out that your mother knows you’re gay?” is what he writes in his letter to Peter. 

Peter doesn’t write back but sends him a box with chocolate instead, which is good enough for Remus, who knows that Peter hates letters.   
James on the other hand writes a lot, using the written word as a method to talk about Lily without getting interrupted, and now starts all of his letters with ‘Dear Swearwolf’.   
Remus answers every letter because it’s the polite thing to do, and secretly wishes James would leave the parts about Lily out, tell them to somebody else. Then again, knowing James, he probably sends the exact same letter to all of the Marauders.

He doesn’t hear from Sirius at all, and after the owl Remus sent the first day of the break comes back with a broken foot, he takes the hint and stops writing. Christmas at the Black’s household, Remus knows, is never joy – and always painful.  

 

New Year’s Eve he spends at James’ place, gladly so. It took ages to convince his parents, but eventually they gave in, and so he arrives on the 31st of January with the intention of staying here for the rest of the holidays. Peter can’t make it to New Year’s Eve, but promises to at least come for the last weekend before school starts again. 

Sirius, well. James simply shakes his head when Remus asks him about it.

 

He had thought it would be awkward, spending so much time with James alone, because usually Peter or Sirius are always there, too. But it turns out that he didn’t need to worry. They occupy themselves with playing Quidditch, snowball fights and talking about what James calls “guy stuff”. Remus always tries to keep his comments on girls very vague, which James quickly picks up on. They are sitting in the living room of the Potter’s manor, drinking hot cocoa and enjoying the warmth of the chimney fire after having spent the afternoon outside in the snow, when James asks suddenly: 

“Are you gay?”, just when Remus takes a sib from his drink. He promptly spills it all over his clothes, but doesn’t bother cleaning it up right away, still in slight shock. 

“Why would you think that?” Fascinating how it’s actually hard to tell the difference between his sweater’s usual colour and the hot chocolate stains. Both are of a weird brownish colour. 

“So I’m right? Yes!” A pause. Then: “Do you want to know how I could tell?” 

Remus is overcome with the urge to facepalm. Or maybe punch James. Maybe both. 

“Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor on this obsession of yours?”

“What obsession?” 

“Your obsession with being right, and then that compulsive need to tell people all about it. This can’t be healthy.” 

“Sod off, Moony” says James, because the only way he can deal with criticism to his person is with swear words. “Seriously though, am I right?”

“...Yes” Remus says after a brief moment of consideration. He’s not particularly worried that James will react badly. A person who got excited over somebody being a werewolf will most certainly not be a homophobic prat when somebody happens to be attracted to their own gender. No, it’s just that he doesn’t like talking about anything concerning his love life in general. 

“Brilliant.” 

“Brilliant” Remus repeats slowly. “I don’t believe it. This is the second time, damn it, and I still don’t get why this would be the very first thing you say, when-“

“The second time?” James interrupted like the rude git he is, “what do you mean, the second time? Do you mean you talked to somebody about this? Somebody who’s not me?” James really shouldn’t be so surprised, Remus thinks to himself, because he’s about as empathetic as a brick wall. 

He tells his friend as much, and receives a hurt look in return. The worst part about this is that Remus actually feels guilty now, and is quick to change the subject, hoping to cheer James up. 

“So, how did you find out?” It’s an attempt to parody a very similar conversation in first year, when it was about lycanthropy rather than sexualities, but James doesn’t notice. He just grins. 

“Lucky guess.” 

There is more to it, just like there was more to Peter’s reaction to Remus’ confession, but for once, Remus decides not to push the matter. 

“Well then”, he says instead, pointing at his soiled jumper, “aren’t you going to be a good host and get me a towel?”

***

Observance is an art that Remus is not very good at, at least when it’s people that need observing. Yet one would have to be blind to not notice the permanent frown James now carries on his face all the time, the way he keeps looking out of the window for owls to arrive.   
Two days after New Year’s Eve he asks what’s wrong, and to this James very reluctantly tells him that he hasn’t heard from Sirius in a week. 

“He might not be allowed to write you” Remus says in a weak attempt to keep James from worrying, and informs James about the Lupin family owl with the broken foot. 

“He would find a way” James insists. “He always does. What if something happened?” 

“I’m sure Sirius is just fine, Prongs” Remus says, not quite believing his own words, and then they change the subject because there is just nothing more to say.

***

They both find out the truth the next day, and just like always in cases like this they sort of wish afterwards that they hadn’t. 

The truth in this case comes knocking on the door at midnight. 

James only grumbles in his sleep, and his parents are sound asleep in their bedroom, so Remus gets up and answers the door with the full intention of shouting at whoever dares to visit somebody in the middle of the night.   
The sharp comment dies on his lips as he opens the door and sees Sirius, smiling at him like the sight of Remus is cheering him up immensely, before his eyes shift, pupils suddenly unfocused, and he slurs: “Where’s Prongs? You’re not...not s’posed to be ‘ere.” 

Remus has barely time to say “I’m only visiting “ before his friends collapses.

 

Everybody always thinks Remus isn’t very strong. They look at him and see a scrawny boy in ugly sweaters and with a book, and assume that he wouldn’t be able to defend himself against anything bigger than a mouse, or not even that, if the mouse is well-fed and has fighting experience.   
What they don’t know is that Remus could kill them all in a heartbeat, and doesn’t even need the full moon to do so. He’s strong, even though he doesn’t look it, and doesn’t like to show it, either. 

But now Sirius has collapsed in front of him. With Merlin knows what injuries, and there are no witnesses. Remus picks his friend up and carries him inside the living room with ease. 

Only when Sirius is lying on the sofa, getting blood all over the cushions that probably cost more than Remus’ whole belongings, does he dare get help.

He wakes James first, not sure how Mr. And Mrs. Potter will react to this, but is set at ease when James doesn’t hesitate to knock on their bedroom door before bolting downstairs. 

“Shit” is what James says first upon seeing Sirius passed out on his couch. “Is he alive? Did you check if he’s breathing? How did he get here? Did he say something? Padfoot, can you hear me? Padfoot!” Remus watches James searching for Sirius’ pulse, frantically removing Sirius’ thin shirt to check him for injuries, and flinching when he finds what he was looking for. In the meanwhile he also calls Sirius’ name over and over again, while Remus stands uselessly by the side, not able to do anything, not able to help at all, not- 

“Moony!” He blinks. 

“What?” 

“Did he tell you anything?” Remus thinks back to Sirius’ arrival, thinks of Sirius’ asking for James, obviously upset over the fact that it was Remus who opened the door, not James, and says: 

“Not a word.”

***

Turns out this is not the first time Sirius pulled a stunt like that. Remus had guessed that when Mrs Potter muttered “not again, poor boy” while applying healing salve on the teenager’s body, but knows for sure a few hours later.   
Sirius is now asleep in James’ bed, his torso now covered in bandages, his whole body shivering, and James and Remus are sitting on the floor, both watching their friend with worry. James breaks the silence with: “I reckon’ it was his dad this time. Asshole.” 

“How do you know?” Remus asks, careful not to show his horror at this statement. 

“His mom prefers curses” is the blunt answer. However, the casual way he said it is betrayed by the cautions look James throws him. 

This is it, Remus suddenly realises. They’ve never talked about Sirius’ abusive home, and James is the only one who really knows about it. This is a test. James wants to see how Remus will react, and he wants to do it now, while Sirius is asleep, while Sirius can’t get hurt, should Remus give the wrong answer.

Remus could make any kind of wrong comment now, could decide that he doesn’t want to be part of this after all, and James would let him go, would make up an excuse for him when Sirius wakes up. James would not do it for him, mind, but for Sirius’ sake.   
That, of course, is not an option, could never be an option, and Remus is slightly offended that James thinks it would be. He opens his mouth to say the words that will define their future. 

“His mom is a bitch.” Brief silence, but then James lets out a relieved sounding laugh. 

“That she is, Moony, that she is.”

***

Sirius wakes up the next morning, and when he does Remus can’t remember why he had thought things would change now. If they do, he’s not effected by it, because everything is just...normal.   
It’s still early when Sirius stirs in his – James’ – bed, but unlike James, Remus is not a heavy sleeper, and is woken by the movement. 

The Potters have more than enough rooms for all of James’ friends and then some, but every time Remus visits, he chooses to sleep on the couch in James’ room rather than in a room for quests, and he knows that Peter and Sirius are the same. Of course, Sirius doesn’t sleep on the couch but in James’ bed, just like he does now, but Remus has stopped wondering about that some time ago. Now, however, as he sees Sirius trying to free himself from the hug James has drawn him into in his sleep, he starts again, to wonder, that is. 

“Morning” says he, the sudden noise enough of a surprise for Sirius to yelping. 

“Shit, Moony, give me a heart attack, why don’t you.” Sirius has managed to entangle himself from James’ embrace now and sits up, wincing as he does. “Shit.” 

“What’s wrong?” He can see Sirius’ grimace despite the dark. 

“Just the, uh, wounds. It’s fine.” 

“Okay” Remus replies, not because he isn’t worried but because he knows what it’s like to be in pain and have people fussing over you when all you really want is for everyone to pretend that everything’s normal. “Hey, do you want to go for a walk?” 

“Pardon?” 

“We’re both awake, and I don’t know about you, but I’m not likely to go back to sleep anytime soon, so I thought we could go outside for a bit, while everything is still so quiet.” It seemed like a good idea when he first started talking, but by the time Remus has finished his sentence he isn’t so sure anymore. Is Sirius even allowed to walk around right now? He doesn’t even know how badly his friend is injured, everything was in a haze yesterday. 

But Sirius gets up anyway, maybe because his injuries really aren’t that bad or perhaps because he’s just so stubborn, Remus has no idea. 

“Moony” Sirius says in a singsong voice, “are you asking me to watch the sunrise with you?” 

It’s a joke, and it’s silly and stupid, but Remus finds himself laughing anyways. 

“Yes” he replies as he, too, gets up and starts getting dressed, “Yes, I suppose I am.”

 

Winter has always been Remus’ favourite season. He likes snow, obviously, but he also enjoys the frost biting his skin, making his limbs numb and turning his lips blue. When he was a kid he used to spend several hours outside in their garden, just sitting on a cold bench with a book until the shivers got too hard to ignore anymore. Now, at the age of 16, he realises that it’s a self-destructive habit and has, since he has no intention of dying anytime soon, let alone freeze to death, tuned it down to the point where the only slip he’ll allow himself are morning walks. 

These walks he prefers to take alone, but today he finds that he doesn’t mind some company, either. 

Sirius turns out to be quite a good companion, anyway. He is completely fine with just walking next to Remus, not saying anything, not disturbing his thoughts with pointless chatter, not- 

“I think I’m dying of boredom.” – not different from his usual self at all. “Boredom, and the cold. Why is it so _cold_?” 

“You can go inside if you like” Remus suggests dryly, though he can’t quite block out his concern. They are both freezing, but unlike him, Sirius is not in a perfect state of health, and he also absolutely despises the cold. 

“I’m staying” Sirius insists. “Sun isn’t up yet, is it?” Maybe, Remus thinks, maybe this is the perfect moment to do what he meant to do for several weeks now. Maybe this is the time to ask about that kiss in Filch’s office. They’re alone here, with nobody likely to interrupted them, and Sirius can’t exactly run away. He really should get a grip on himself and just ask, be that Gryffindor the Sorting Hat said he was. 

But when Remus does build up his courage to ask the question he wanted to ask for ages, different words come out of his mouth than the ones he intended. 

“Are you in love with James?”

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little cliffhanger in the end, so sorry.   
> Thanks for reading !! Leave a comment to tell me what you think :)


	7. Of Smokes and Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all for the lovely comments / kudos !! I'm really happy to see that people seem to enjoy my story.

 From all the reactions Remus would have imagined Sirius to have – if he had given the matter a single thought before speaking out loud, that is -, his friend bursting out laughing certainly isn’t it. Yet that’s exactly what Sirius does: He just starts to laugh, right there, while standing in the frozen garden of Potter Manor at the brink of daw. As always, his laugh reminds Remus faintly of a dog’s bark, which Remus supposes makes sense now, given his Animagus form. 

He laughs and laughs, until he can’t do much more than wheeze and gasp for breath, and even then his body keeps shaking with the aftermaths of his outburst. Remus doesn’t say anything throughout the whole time because he simply doesn’t have anything to say. All he can do is stare at Sirius, stare and wait, wait until Sirius finally calms down and says, in a voice that’s still thick with amusement: 

“What ON EARTH makes you think that?”

 

It’s a reasonable question, but on the same time, it isn’t. Technically, Remus knows that Sirius and James are only friends, that there is nothing to their closeness, that sharing a bed is as normal for them as breathing. But then, he has seen the way Sirius sometimes looks at James – no, not sometimes, _always_. Every time Sirius looks at James, or even every time he speaks about James, he gets this look in his eyes. It’s a look of fondness, and, most importantly, it’s a look of love, an expression that otherwise rarely crosses Sirius’ face. 

Sirius’ laughter has made him feel quite ridiculous, but as he now remembers that look, Remus reminds himself that his assumption isn’t entirely unreasonable.   
Only, how will he explain this to Sirius? 

“Er” Remus says, gulps, and then starts again, everything under Sirius’ scrutinising gaze with all previous amusement now gone. 

“It’s just, you and – James – don’t get angry.” 

“I’m not” Sirius says, furrowing his brows. “I won’t be. Just spill it, Moony. Why the hell would I be in love with James?”   
Because of that look, Remus wants to say, but doesn’t. Because of the way your shoulders slimp every time James seems to be disappointed in you, he wants to say, but doesn’t, either. Really, what _is_ there to say that doesn’t make him sound like a petty, jealous asshole? 

“Forget it” he therefore mutters, and turns around in order to get back to the mansion, but Sirius holds him back. Not even a month ago they were in a similar situation, and just for a second Remus contemplates the thought of kissing Sirius, but then Sirius doesn’t lock lips with him and says instead: 

“No, I won’t just forget it, Moony, what the fuck? Is this some homophobic bullshit? Just because I’m gay I automatically want to shag my best friend?” 

“No” Remus is quick to say, horrified at the mere idea. Is that what Sirius thinks? “But I-“

“-Thought you’d just make sure I’m not gonna molest _you_? Or is this some weird way of protecting James from the gay freak? What, not scared I’m gonna rape Peter the next time we see him?” 

“Shut _up_ ” Remus yells. “Excuse me, Sirius, what am I supposed to think when I see you holding another bloke’s hand, sleeping in another bloke’s bed every night, doing every damn thing said bloke demands without questioning it just bloody once?!”   
Sirius has gone deadly pale. While Remus is shaking with fury, Sirius is rigid, a somewhat empty look in his otherwise so lively eyes, and his voice sounds hallow when he says quietly: 

“Right. I’m sorry, I – I’m just sorry.” And then, before Remus can stop him, he transforms into Padfoot and runs, runs in the direction of the woods near the Potter Manor, runs until Remus can’t see him anymore, and is still running when Remus eventually leaves the spot where he stood frozen for several minutes and goes back inside. Running, for the second time in less than a day, only last time it was the escape from a house that never felt like his home in the first place, and now it’s an escape from the one and only refuge he ever had in this world.

***

“Prongs, wake up! Prongs! James! Damnit!” The last word is accompanied by a blow Remus delivers swiftly to James’ upper arm. It has the required effect: James’ eyes fly open and he clutches his arm. 

“What the hell was that for?” 

“Sirius needs you” Remus urges. “He ran away.” James blinks a few times, then looks at Remus in obvious confusion. 

“I know he did. Yesterday. He’s here now. Did you get obliviated or something?” 

“No, I – James, he ran away again. Sirius ran away from _here_.” The confused expression on James’ face doesn’t change. 

“Why?” he asks, like the mere idea of Sirius running away from his house is absurd. Well, it probably is. 

Remus swallows, they’re now getting to the more painful part of the whole painful conversation. Gryffindor, he reminds himself. 

“We went out for a walk, and had a fight, and he – yeah.” 

“Remus” James says, using Remus’ real name most likely to indicate that this discussion is serious. “What did you talk about?” 

His answer comes after almost no hesitation.    
“I asked him if he was in love with you.” James, much to his surprise, doesn’t so much as frown, but instead gives him a small nod, silently encouraging Remus to go on. This time Remus is quiet for almost half a minute before saying: 

“I may have hinted that your relationship with Sirius is borderline unhealthy.” 

James goes still for what seems like an infinitely long time. And then he punches Remus straight in the face.

***

It’s a good thing that Mrs Potter used to work as a healer in St. Mungo’s, because this means she is able to give Remus an ointment that makes his bruise disappear in mere minutes. She doesn’t ask how he got it, but judging from the scowl on her face she knows the culprit already. Remus contemplates telling her that she shouldn’t punish James because honestly, he did deserve that blow, but in the end he just keeps his mouth shut, in case that she actually doesn’t know. 

When Mrs Potter is finished applying the salve she makes him breakfast, although Remus assures her that she doesn’t need to bother. The freshly-cooked bacon and eggs only add to his guilt, especially when Mrs Potter asks him if “her sons” are up yet. Weirdly enough, he also feels better now, after hearing James’ mom say this, after hearing confirmation that while Sirius has ran away from the people who might be related to him, he still has family, by everything but blood. This also reminds him of the question he meant to ask, but couldn’t yesterday when everybody was so busy with treating Sirius’ injuries. Now, however, when the two of them are alone at the breakfast table, it feels like the right time. 

“Mrs. Potter?”

“Yes, dear?” 

“What do you think is going to happen to Sirius now? Is his fam- are the Blacks gonna get away with it?” Mrs. Potter puts down her fork, sensing that this is important. Her hazel eyes flash in the same way James’s do when he’s angry. 

“They won’t if I can help it. But even if Sirius does decide to not testify against them, there is no way he is ever going back to that house.” 

“Good”, Remus simply says.

***

After James punched him this morning, he stormed out of the house, and Remus could watch from the window as James transformed into his Animagus form and ran into the woods, just like Sirius half an hour before him. Since then Remus has eaten breakfast, taken a shower, written to Peter, and, when he was finished with all that, has thought about a million different ways to apologise. He’s always been good with words, although it’s the written word rather than the spoken one that he prefers.

It’s why he likes letters so much. They give him the opportunity to just express his feelings without worrying about stumbling over his words or maybe saying the wrong thing, because he can always cross out a sentence and replace it with a different expression. In the end he usually ends up writing the same letter twice, the first one merely his rough draft, where it doesn’t matter if he ends up crumpling the paper or getting ink stains on it, because he will just write it down again, neatly this time, on a clean sheet of paper, and let it air dry before he puts it into an envelope after reading it one last time.

He’s proud of his letters, he really is, and he enjoys the whole process of it so much that he doesn’t even mind that his friends don’t appreciate the effort he puts into them.   
Peter and James make fun of him to no end, although only Peter is sincere in his amusement, while James is a hypocrite who writes letters when they’re the only way to chew their ears – or, in this case, eyes – off about a subject he’s passionate about. But still he would never spend more than a few minutes on them, usually doesn’t think twice about what he writes, and Peter makes things even easier for himself by not writing at all. 

Sirius, though, Sirius is different. Remus knows that because while James might be Sirius’ best friend, his brother, there are certain few things that Sirius doesn’t share with him. Things he shares with Remus instead. The cigarettes, for instance...

***

_“Won’t you ask where I got them?” Sirius asks. Remus doesn’t answer immediately, he’s too busy looking down, down at the ground that’s easily hundred feet below them. He’s not afraid of heights, but being on the Astronomy tower all alone in the middle of the night does give him a somewhat queasy feeling in his stomach. Eventually he pushes himself back from the window and turns to look at Sirius, who is waving with a cigarette. He’s never tried one before, but now it seems tempting._

_He decides to play along for now._

_“Go on then. Where did you get them?”_

_“Pete. Found them under his bed.”_

_“What were you doing under his bed?” Remus asks and gets promptly ignored._

_“Who’d have guessed that our Peter smokes?”_

_“Yeah. So, why aren’t you up here with Pete then? They belong to him, don’t you think he should at least get to smoke them?”_

_“He told everyone I had fleas. This is my revenge” Sirius says as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world._

_“I see” Remus says, although he really doesn’t. “And I’m here because?”_

_“Because James would have a fit. So, are you gonna take one or just stand there?” He could say No, Remus knows. Sirius is always pushing people, but only when he thinks that in the end, they would have more fun if they just did what he said. He would never actually force somebody to do something if it really went against their will. So yes, he could decline, could tell Sirius that he doesn’t want to ruin his lungs, and Sirius would shrug and laugh and never ask again._

_But somehow that comment about James did it. Remus is not jealous of James, really, he isn’t, but then again, he kind of is. Sirius and James are like weird twins who do everything together and always know what the other is thinking and who never disagree on anything. Going up against one means going up against both of them._

_But then there’s the cigarette Sirius is still holding, and there’s James who joined the Quidditch team last year in the beginning of third year and who’s been treating his body like a temple ever since, and, as if this isn’t enough, has been buggering everyone else about living healthier, too. Sirius is right, James really would have a fit if he knew that they’re even thinking about smoking. Probably precisely why Peter hid the cigarettes under his bed, and why Remus hasn’t heard about it so far, even though it’s really not easy keeping secrets from your dorm mates._

_This, right there, is one of the rare opportunities he has to share something with Sirius that only involves them, no one else, and he’s selfish enough to want it._

_Remus takes the cigarette and allows Sirius to light it with his wand. Worth it, he decides when he’s done coughing and Sirius does this thing where he throws his head back and lets his whole body shake with laughter. Worth it._

***

Since then it’s just something they do, smoking together, just the two of them, in the weirdest places, although they still prefer the Astronomy tower over every over place. When James found out, one of his and Sirius legendary fights happened. 

When James and Sirius fight, which doesn’t happen often thankfully, it’s always big, lasts several days and involves everything from name-calling and hexes to straight-up physical violence, and the number of unlucky people who happen to be around during that, at least until they land in the hospital wing, is always high enough to guarantee them a personal chat with McGonagall.   
But eventually James calmed down, and now he just scowls at Sirius and Remus when they go outside for a smoke. It gives Remus a weird kind of pleasure to know that Sirius hasn’t given in to James this time, even though he knows that his best friend heartily disapproves. 

And, well, writing is another one of those things. Sirius has never been the type to actively sit down and read a book, but despite what Remus’ parents might say, not being a fan of reading doesn’t equal being stupid. Obviously this also applies to Peter and James, but while they are clearly not dumb, they also don’t have Sirius’ talent for languages. Not only does Sirius speak French fluently – something he’s deeply embarrassed about, although that doesn’t stop him from using it occasionally to impress people -, he’s also just really good at writing. Remus has read Sirius’ essays, and they’re, well, they’re extraordinary, especially considering how little time Sirius spends on them.

So yes, Sirius is good with words, just like Remus, and maybe, just maybe, he is even better than Remus. 

But that’s not all of it. Because no matter how well-written Sirius’ essays are, it’s obvious that writing will never be Sirius’ way of communicating, since _unlike_ Remus, _he_ is good at talking, too. Remus knows that it wouldn’t make Sirius happy to hand him a piece of paper and a pen and tell him to write down his feelings. He just isn’t that kind of person. 

No, Remus knows exactly what kind of person Sirius is. He’s the kind of person who may not enjoy _writing_ letters, but he does love _receiving_ them. 

So this is what he’s going to do. After seeing Sirius’ eyes light up so many times when he received a letter, he just knows that this is what’s right. It’s better than any awkwardly mumbled apology he can think of. 

Remus locks the door to James’ room and gets to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this, dear readers, is the end of Part 1. The next chapter will be a time leap forward - not much, just a few weeks. Don't worry, the open questions (What's in the letter Remus writes? What happens in the woods with James and Sirius? etc. ) will still be answered, just not right away. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter, would love to hear what you think about it ! 
> 
> One last thing now: My summer holidays start soon, and I'll be partly without internet then, so I'm afraid that if I don't get the next chapter done within the next few days, it'll be uploaded in 3 weeks from now. I'll try my best to finish it soon though !


	8. Of Ducks and Forgiveness

Sirius is nothing if not loyal. He’s loyal to the point where he will do anything for people who have acquired his trust, and it takes a lot to push him over the edge once he’s deemed you worthy of joining the small circle of people he wants permanently around in his life. While he’s generally the kind of person who carries grudges for a long time, he at the same time is very forgiving towards the members of that circle.

Remus has never been able to decide whether that is admirable or stupid, but now he thinks he knows the answer.

It’s the beginning of February now, holidays have been over for a few weeks, and Sirius seems to have forgotten all about Remus’ harmful words and what happened afterwards. Remus had feared that things would be awkward for a while once they’re back in school, but the truth is that there’s no difference: Sirius and him still partner up for all the Arithmancy tasks in class, they still joke around and talk about all kinds of things when they’re alone, they still share cigarettes every other evening. Remus is glad for it, he really is, though part of him feels guilty for getting away so easily.

Luckily, James is not nearly as forgiving a man as Sirius.

James hasn’t actually laid hand on him since that initial punch, but never fails to make remarks that are just bordering on the edge of being purposefully stinging. He makes it very obvious that he hasn’t forgiven Remus in the slightest, and really, that’s fine. Somebody after all has to stick up for Sirius, and since it’s not gonna be Sirius himself, James is the logical choice. Remus is also fairly sure that James will have calmed down by the time Easter comes around.

Peter, bless him, missed the drama during the Christmas break and only got briefed by James on how Sirius ran away, and therefore hasn’t got a single clue why James keeps glaring at Remus and grows visibly more annoyed by the day, the sight of which at least brightens Remus’ own days considerably.

All in all, things are...good.

Until the impossible happens, that is.  


***

“Moony! You’ll never be able to guess what just happened!” 

Remus gladly takes the excuse to stop his practising of a spell he hasn’t quite mastered yet, and looks up at a madly grinning Sirius who just stormed into the Gryffindor common room. He notices that James and Peter are missing, which means they have disappeared at any point during the last thirty minutes without informing him. Or maybe they did inform him and he wasn’t paying attention. On second thought, it’s probably that. 

“Alright.” 

“Alright what?” 

“Alright, tell me” says Remus frowning. 

“No, you need to guess first.” 

“I thought I wouldn’t be able to guess it anyway” he argues, quite reasonably so, he thinks. 

“Don’t be such a spoilsport, Moony. C’m on, guess!” Remus sighs. He’s practised this kind of sigh a lot, and is now able to deliver a variety of emotions with it, the three most obvious being annoyance, frustration and giving in.  
Sirius has never been able to hear more than the ‘giving in’ part in his sighs. 

“Okay, let’s see...has Lily finally agreed to go on a date with James? Did Peter manage to pull a prank on his own without getting caught right away? Has the world suddenly stopped turning?” 

“No, no, and no” Sirius says happily, seeming very pleased with himself. “Nothing of the sorts. C’m on, I’ll give you a clue. Name three things I would never date.” It’s mildly disturbing, Remus thinks, that Sirius asked for ‘things’ and not ‘people’, but he doesn’t dwell on it. 

“Mhm.” He taps a rhythm with his fingers on the table he’s sitting at. “You would never date a person belonging to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.” Sirius laughs.

“Well described, I’ll remember that. But that’s too easy, they’re...blood.” They all avoid the word ‘family’ now when talking about the Blacks, Sirius included. 

“Hasn’t stopped your ancestors from marrying their cousins” Remus says with a grin and easily ducks under the crumpled piece of paper flying his way now. Where did Sirius get paper from, anyway? “Anyway”, he continues, the frown now back on his face, “you also wouldn’t ever date a person with better hair than you. Hey, did you rip out a page from my book?” 

“That’s not possible” Sirius says and, as though to show off, takes Remus’ wand without asking and uses it to tie his hair together at the back of his head while cheerfully ignoring his question. Remus doesn’t even bother to attempt to get his wand back. “Go on though. Still one to go.”

“Right. Well...I guess you wouldn’t date a Slytherin, if you can help it.” This must’ve been the correct answer, because Sirius’ face lights up and he pats Remus on the back so hard he thinks he might fall over. 

“Yes! So, guess what just happened!” 

“I don’t know” Remus answers, a tiny bit annoyed now. “Can I have my wand back now?” His friend moves away from him a bit, until he’s just out of Remus’ reach – or rather, until his hair is save. 

“I was just coming from the detention Slughorn gave me, minding my own business while sauntering through the dungeons, catching the eye of quite a few ladies if I do say so myself-“

“Sirius.”

“And, who’d have thought, also the eye of one particularly fit, attractive young fellow.” He feels awkwardly reminded of the scene Sirius made in Divination, last autumn. “Now, you probably don’t know him, I’d never seen him before in my entire life before today, although he swore on Merlin’s underpants that he’s been going to this school for six years now, but the name doesn’t matter, what matters is that this _very_ fit, attractive bloke caught sight of me, and then before I knew he was pushing me up against the wall and sticking his tongue in my mouth.”

“What?!” Remus exclaims. He certainly hasn’t seen that coming. “So...what did you do?” he asks after managing to pull himself together a little. 

Sirius shrugs nonchalantly, although his beaming grin is betraying him. 

“I told him to meet me in the North Tower tonight at Midnight.” 

This must be karma, Remus decides. Karma for the less than benevolent intention he had when telling Cornelius to be straightforward. Karma for every time he has – though unintentionally – hurt Sirius these past weeks. It’s karma, and he probably deserves it all.  
Still, he has a hard time keeping up a neutral look. 

“Why?”

 Sirius blinks once, twice, three times, and only now visibly comes out of whatever kiss-induced trance he was in before. 

“Because he’s a good kisser, that’s why” the other boy replies, his shrug not half as carefree as he probably intended it to be. Remus narrows his eyes slightly, and sees Sirius’ face fall.

 

Sirius usually never worries about what other people might think of him, and up until now Remus would have thought that James was the only one whose disapproval could really affect their friend. But now he looks at Sirius, really looks at him, and for the first time he realises that he might have given neither of his friends, himself included, enough credit. 

“Oh”, Sirius says, managing to make a single syllable sound as dejected as it gets. “Do you, I mean – you don’t mind, do you?” 

 

Remus used to think that his opinion didn’t matter, not to Sirius, anyway. But someone who doesn’t care for your opinion wouldn’t look like Sirius is now, very much like a kicked puppy. 

 

“Of course I don’t mind” Remus says, because it’s the only acceptable answer he can give, and also because he _doesn’t_ mind, does he? He’s made his peace with the fact that Sirius isn’t interested in him.

 

He has figured out months ago that it’s not entirely impossible that Sirius is gay or bisexual, but just because Sirius happens to not be straight, just like himself, does not necessarily equal interest in Remus. And Remus is fine with that. Being friends with Sirius is enough, is better, even, than a quick shag, because while relationships tend to break off pretty quickly, their friendship – and this Remus is absolutely certain of – is made to last.

Time won’t loosen the bonds that tie them together, will only make them grow stronger. There is nothing in the world that would make Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black and James Potter break apart. No one knows what the future will bring, but Remus has the vague romantic idea of them all sharing a flat at some point after Hogwarts.

They will found families at some point of course – well, the others will, Remus really doesn’t see himself as a family-man, but who knows -, but they will still meet up at least once a week for a pint, the four of them. They are 16 years old now, and the times are more than dangerous, but Remus just likes to think that in 10, 20, 30 years time they won’t have become strangers. He likes to think that in 10, 20, 30 years time it will still be them, the four of them, against the world.

But as idealistic as that notion is, Remus is a tad too much of a realist to picture himself spending these 10, 20, 30 years with Sirius.

 

“Are you sure?” Sirius asks now, evidently worried. Remus forces a smile on his face. 

“Go have fun tonight, Padfoot.”

***

“Am I a horrible person, Pete?” Remus asks a month later during Transfiguration. They are supposed to transform a pillow into a duck, and as always during these lessons Sirius and Lily have gotten a little competitive. Lily’s duck is twice as big as a normal duck, and Sirius has ditched the duck completely and instead has now a swan sitting on the table in front of him. Both students are currently at the teacher’s desk with Professor McGonagall scolding them. 

“Probably” Peter immediately answers without the slightest bit of hesitation. “In fact, yes, yes, I believe you are. Let me guess, you are starting to feel guilty about flooding Filch’s office and blaming it on me and James?” 

“Um. No, actually, that’s not it.” Personally, Remus is convinced that this is all due to Sirius’ and James’ bad influence on him – and to McGonagall, who made him a prefect for whichever reason. He quickly discovered that teachers tend to buy prefect’s lies a lot more than any other student’s. 

“No, Wormtail, I actually meant Cornelius.” Peter doesn’t answer right away, he’s too busy watching Sirius’ swan attack Lily’s duck. Eventually he draws his gaze away. 

“You mean, Cornelius is a horrible person?” 

“No, I am. Because of Cornelius.”

He doesn’t have to explain who Cornelius is. Since Sirius and Cornelius met on that tower in the beginning of February, they have officially started dating, and soon afterwards Cornelius was introduced into the friend’s group. Peter likes him because he’s polite enough to laugh about Peter’s jokes, James likes him because he patiently listened to his rant about Lily and Quidditch, the most important subjects in his life, Sirius obviously likes him because Cornelius sucks his cock (yes, there might be other reasons, too, but Remus straight-up refuses to acknowledge them), and Remus...just sort of avoided talking to him. For a whole month. 

“Why, what have you done? Blamed him for breaking the rules, too, did you?” Remus starts to laugh, notices Peter’s face and quickly tries to mask it with a cough. 

“Not quite. Nothing like that, really. I just – you know how he and Sirius got together?” 

“Cornelius’ blunt approach? Yeah. Wish someone would just kiss me like that. Preferably a girl, mind.” 

“Well, he asked me for advice before he...did that. And I sort of encouraged him.” 

In the other end of the room, Lily’s monster duck is trying its best to rip open the throat of Sirius’ swan, while Peter’s pillow has just grown two pathetic wings and is slowly flying away without Peter noticing. 

“You’re a horrible person because you encouraged young love? What are you, the Grinch?” 

“Pete, I didn’t encourage Cornelius because he wanted him to _succeed_. I gave him the worst advice I could think of because I wanted him to _fail_. It’s just bad luck that the plan went right – or wrong, whatever.” Peter stares at him. Then he starts laughing. 

“So what do you want from me?” 

“Advice, maybe?” 

“Advice on how you can become a better person, for example by, let’s say, making sure Sirius’ newfound relationship is a success? By ensuring Sirius’ happiness? Or advice on how you can get Sirius’ relationship to fail, not because you plan to ask him out afterwards, but because you just can’t bear to see him with someone else?” Remus blinks, and says nothing. Peter sighs. 

“That’s what I thought. Sorry, Moony. Nothing I can do. Now excuse me, I need to go look for my pillow, it seems to have escaped. – Hey, I think Lily’s duck has just devoured the swan, nice one.”

 

No, it would seem that instead of spending the next 10, 20, 30 years with Remus, Sirius might just spend them with someone like Cornelius. And somehow Remus can’t bring himself to feel happy for his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated a day later than promised, sorry ! Hope you enjoyed the chapter though, leave kudos or a comment if you did !  
> (Also, as you may have noticed, I've now officially put down 12 as the number of chapters this story will have in total. If everything goes as planned, I will wrap the story up in 3 chapters plus an epilogue at the end (which is already written), but there might be one chapter more or less, I'll see how it goes.


	9. Of Prefects and Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm two days late with this chapter, so sorry ! Hope you enjoy it anyway, leave kudos or a comment if you did ! :)

Spring is already on a determined march to wipe out every trace left of the winter, with flowers blossoming and birds waking everyone up way too early, and Cornelius and Sirius are still together. Their relationship is close to hitting the three-months-mark, which is long enough for most of Hogwarts’ students to acknowledge that what once were Sirius and James being attached to each other’s hips has now become Sirius and Cornelius. Remus never would have thought they would last that long, but then, he’s had quite a few surprises of late. 

He’s discovered that he has not acquired a single new scar ever since his friends became Animagi. 

He’s watched Lily becoming less and less opposed to the idea of spending time around James. They are nowhere near a first date, but at least Lily tolerates James’ presence now and has even laughed at his jokes once or twice. 

He has also, suddenly and without meaning to, realised that Peter is just as lonely as he is at the moment. 

Now, it’s not like he and Peter aren’t friends, because they are. They enjoy spending time with each other, they trust each other, and they have the same sense of dry humour that tends to get past James and Sirius. But, and this is crucial point here, they have never been the centre of the friendship of by the four Gryffindor boys sharing a dormitory. They work well together, but mostly only when they can focus their attention on a third – or fourth – party. James and Sirius have always been the kind of people who walk into a room and manage to make everybody look their way in a matter of seconds, and Remus and Peter have always been the kind of people who make fun of that. It’s a concept that has worked for almost six years, and somehow Remus thought it would go on like this forever. But James has got Lily now – or is at least somewhat close to her, more than can be said for the past six years put together -, and Sirius is hardly ever seen without his boyfriend anymore.

That leaves Peter and Remus on their own, and it’s not enough for either of them. Oh, they still spend time together, now more than ever, but it’s not helping either of the two with their increasing loneliness, a loneliness despite sleeping in a room with three other boys every night, a loneliness despite living in a castle that occupies hundreds of other students. It’s a loneliness that’s got nothing to do with being alone or in company and that’s got everything to do with the right kind of company, and lately Remus only wishes for one companion, who just happens to be the one he can’t have. Spring is supposed to be the time for young love spreading its wings. Remus firmly believes that whoever said that was just bitter and malicious.

***

It’s in the beginning of April when the Easter holidays start. Usually this is the time of year – the only time of year – when Remus and Sirius are truly alone, because Peter and James always go home over the spring break. Every year they both receive an invitation from the Potters to accompany James, and every year they decline, content with just spending their free time lying lazily by the lake and talking. This year, however, Cornelius decides to stay at Hogwarts, too, and because Sirius, for once in his life, is emphatic enough to sense that Remus doesn’t want to be left alone, it’s now three boys on the grounds by the lake every day. 

Cornelius turns out to be smart, witty and amiable, and Remus finds, unsurprisingly, that he really likes the other boy.  
The first time they met he had gotten the impression that the Slytherin was a decent person, but now that he gets to actually know his classmate a little better, it becomes obvious that he was wrong. Cornelius isn’t just a “decent” person, he’s in all probability the nicest person on earth. Now, “nice” is sort of a new concept for Remus, since for the past few years he has almost exclusively been around people who, in one way or another, fall under the category ‘asshole’, himself included.

It’s rather funny actually: Of the four of them, James usually manages to make people hate him the most, because he has no brain-to-mouth-filter whatsoever and is unable to contain nasty remarks of any kind. Sirius, second in line, _does_ have a filter, making _his_ remarks better thought-through, more clever, and, when provoked the right way, vicious in a way James could never achieve. But both Sirius and James can be surprisingly gentle and understanding in private, and show genuine affection to people they like.

Then there’s Peter, who constantly pokes fun at people but at least really tries to help people when they ask.

And Remus himself, whom everyone thinks of as the friendliest member of the group, the one people constantly wonder about, wonder about what he’s still friends with all these pricks, wonder why he became friends with them in the first place, and always come to the conclusion that it’s actually kind of sweet that he tries to be a good influence on the other three boys, even though they’re lost causes, of course. None of them would ever assume that Remus has trouble replying to anything with something other than sarcasm, and that his own friends don’t come to ask him for advice anymore because the awkward silence after heartfelt confessions would always draw out until the friend in question would make up an excuse for leaving.

Remus, too, wonders why he’s still friends with Peter, James and Sirius, wonders why they became friends with him in the first place, and always comes to the conclusion that for once, Fortuna smiled upon him.

 

Of course, James, Sirius and Peter are still pricks, and Lily, who outside of the Marauders is the person Remus talks to most, isn’t exactly innocent either. So it’s just a little...weird, somehow, that Cornelius is so different. Refreshing, he supposes, if you were sick of being permanently mocked and permanently mocking others in return – which, he would like to state, he isn’t. If he were, he never would have lasted a week into the friendship with his roommates. But maybe Sirius is sick of it? Or at least welcomes something new? Remus abruptly decides to watch Sirius and Cornelius closer from now on, and follows up on that task immediately, drawing his gaze from the calm water to his friend and his friend’s boyfriend. 

Sirius, it would seem, has fallen asleep, head in Cornelius’ lap. Cornelius is busy petting Sirius’ hair, just like James, Peter and Remus have done a hundred times. But this is different, because James, Peter and Remus are not in a relationship with Sirius, are not - 

“Like what you see?” Cornelius suddenly asks, smirking a little. Remus winces. 

“Um. No?” he tries, as though he had not just been staring at Sirius for a full minute or so. Cornelius’ grin widens a tad. 

“Just kidding. I know you’re straight, don’t worry.”

“Straight” Remus echoes, sure to have misunderstood something. He hasn’t exactly outed himself in school so far, mostly because there hasn’t been a reason to, but ever since McGonagall found out about that kiss Sirius and he shared all these months ago, he’s been subtly asking around to find out the wizarding community’s opinion on this matter, and has found that most people don’t mind, with exceptions to ancient pureblood families who see homosexuality as a threat to their legacy. Nevertheless, he fails to see how Cornelius would ‘know’ anything about him, since they don’t really talk, period. 

“Yeah” Cornelius says with a sheepish grin. “That’s actually one of the, like, three things Sirius told me about you, you know?” 

“Three?” Remus asks while thinking that he really needs to stop repeating Cornelius’ words. 

“He doesn’t talk about you” the Slytherin explains. He’s still stroking Sirius’ hair. “Never shuts up about James and Peter – especially James. Almost thought for some time that he was in love with James, can you believe?” Cornelius lets out a laugh. Remus doesn’t join in. “But yeah, totally different with you. Until this week I wasn’t sure if you had had a fight or something, well, ‘till I saw you two together. Clearly not a fight.” 

“Clearly not” Remus repeats, once again, for a lack of something better to say. Cornelius must’ve noticed Remus’ face, because he hastily backpedals. 

“Probably because he values your privacy.” 

“Probably.” Remus gets up. “I just remembered that McGonagall summoned me to her office for a very important, uh, thing. I’ll talk to you later!” While he retreats as fast as he can to the castle without actually running, he hears Cornelius call his name. _Screw it_. Remus breaks into a run.

 

Remus doesn’t want to think about the reason for Sirius’ not talking about him, so he doesn’t. Instead he goes to his dormitory to get his pack of cigarettes from his drawer, figuring that if Sirius doesn’t need to tell his boyfriend about him, Remus can very well smoke without him. Yet, when he’s finally on the Astronomy power and about to light his cigarette, he hesitates. From the tower he’s able to overlook most of Hogwart’s grounds and parts of the Forbidden Forrest. He can see the lake, too, and, far, far below, two figures sitting on the meadow. Sirius and Cornelius. 

Remus quickly turns away from the open window and finds himself staring directly into Professor McGonagall’s disapproving eyes. 

“Mr. Lupin” she begins ominously. Remus gulps. “As a prefect, I presume you have read the house rules this school provides every student with in the beginning of each year?”

“Yes, Professor.” 

“Then you _are_ aware that smoking is strictly prohibited?” 

“Y-yes, Professor.” Professor McGonagall doesn’t continue, she simply gives the unlit cigarette in his hand a pointed look. One second passes, then Remus puts it in his pocket, not caring if it gets crushed in the process, and not caring about much else right now, either. Part of him is worried about getting Detention so soon before the exams, but mostly he just wants to get this over and done with so he can go hide somewhere from Sirius and Cornelius. But when he looks expectantly at his teacher, she doesn’t dish out a punishment. She just studies him for a moment, and then says:

“I suggest we continue this conversation in my office.” Well, Remus decides, at least the meeting with Professor McGonagall hasn’t been a complete lie.

***

“Mr. Lupin, almost two years ago the headmaster asked me to pick two prefects for my house. I chose Mary Macdonald because in all the years since you and your classmates have been going to this school, she is the one who has broken the least rules. Do you want to know why I appointed you as the second prefect?” Professor McGonagall asks when they’re sitting in her office. 

“Because there were no other options?” The Head of Gryffindor gives him a sharp smile. 

“I could have chosen any of the Fifth year Gryffindors at the time. Quite frankly, you were all equally unsuitable for the task. Mr Potter would have made an irresponsible prefect  who would have solved problems with fists instead of words, Mr Pettigrew would have made an irresponsible prefect who could not solve any problems at all out of being unsure which side to take, and Mr Black would have made an irresponsible prefect who wouldn’t tried to solve any problems in the first place.” 

“So you selected me” Remus says quietly. 

“So I selected you” McGonagall agrees. “Two years ago, you were no longer the shy boy who entered this school in First Grade, and despite your friends’ best efforts, you had managed to mostly escape punishment by simply not participating in rule breaking.” 

“One could argue that this is a good thing.” It’s a little hypocritical, Remus thinks, that McGongagall would hold this against him somehow when apparently this was why she made Mary prefect, too. 

“From the school’s point of view, certainly. But this is not why I made the decision. I ended up writing your name on the list because just before the end of the Fourth year, I spotted you and Mr Black on the Astronomy tower, sharing a cigarette.” That must’ve been the first cigarette they ever shared, the beginning of their small tradition. Remus still doesn’t understand what his teacher is getting at.

“I thought that maybe you wouldn’t make an irresponsible prefect who would be too passive to even notice any problems occurring at all. Maybe you wouldn’t make an irresponsible prefect who, if he did notice problems, would be too intimidated to act on them. Maybe, I thought, you might do just fine.” She pauses briefly before continuing, with a oddly soft look in her eyes, “And yet, today I realised that I might have been mistaken.”

A lump settles in Remus throat, making every swallow painful. He feels, weirdly enough, guilty, without being sure _what_ he’s feeling guilty for.

“After all”, McGonagall adds in a quiet voice, “why did I find you alone today, watching a problem rather than taking care of it?” Remus’ mouth falls open. 

“Professor” he starts, “are you implying that Sirius and Cornelius-“ 

“I’m not implying anything” McGonagall interrupts sharply. “I would never interfere in my students’ private lives. I am merely suggesting that maybe you should think about what I just told you, and decide on whether or not you want to take action for once.” 

“Professor” Remus repeats, not sure what to say, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because once again he gets interrupted, this time by his teacher rummaging through her desk drawers and then putting the pipe Sirius found last Autumn on the desk. 

“I believe this belongs to ... your grandfather, does it not?” she says in a tone that suggests she absolutely does not believe it the words she is saying. Remus nods slowly, cheeks burning. “Take it, then. I’ve had it taking up space here long enough.”He hesitates, then pockets it. When McGonagall says “Dismissed”, he can’t get out fast enough. 

Only later does it occur to him that she never scolded him about the cigarettes.

***

He’s already lying in bed and reading the same page for the fourth time now when Sirius comes in, takes one look at him, and then sits down on Remus’ mattress. 

“Cornelius said you ran away today.” It’s not a question. Remus answers it anyway. 

“I didn’t run away, I had a meeting with-“ 

“With McGonagall, yes. He told me that, too.” For the first time Remus spots similarities between Sirius and the Head of Gryffindor. For once, the both look alike when they’re not buying something. “So tell me, Moony, what was that mysterious meeting about?” Sirius asks, not even trying to hide the challenge in his voice. Remus smiles, and pulls out the pipe from beneath the covers. Sirius stares at it for a moment and then lets out a startled laugh. 

“You got it back? I was starting to think we’d have to break into yet another office to get it back this time...” He trails off, a faint blush spread on his face. He, too, is probably remembering the last break-in. 

“I got it back” Remus confirms, not bothering to tell Sirius exactly how that happened, and before he can say anything else, he’s crushed by a tight hug. It’s the most bodily contact Sirius has giving him in months, and Remus enjoys every second of it, disappointed when Sirius finally pulls away. 

“Thank you” Sirius says, sounding sincere – maybe a little too sincere for a pipe he supposedly found somewhere and just pocketed. 

“You’re welcome.” Remus hesitates, but decides to ask, anyway. “Did Cornelius say anything else?” At this, Sirius flinches, if ever so slightly. 

“Not really.” 

“Nothing?” Remus probes. He can’t really imagine the Slytherin just keeping quiet about what happened. 

“Nothing.” The word is firmly spoken, leaving no room for an argument. Remus decides to let it go. After all, the happiness in Sirius’ eyes when seeing the pipe is more than enough.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so first of all, I want to thank you all for the lovely comments, every single one of them really made my day! I'm sorry I didn't get to answer them, I've just been really busy lately after being without internet for a few weeks, and it just slipped my mind. I suck. Sorry!!   
> Also, I'm very sorry that this update is so late. I've been kind of struggling with this chapter, which is also why it's shorter than usual, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway!   
> The next chapter will be the last one, plus an epilogue. I hope to update again within the next two weeks, but at the latest it will be November 1st, I promise.   
> Enjoy!

Cornelius broke up with Sirius.

Odd has finally come to his senses, realised that he’s had enough of the blood traitor and broke things off.

Cornelius Odd broke Sirius Black’s heart.

No matter what version of the rumour Remus hears during breakfast alone, the essence is always the same: Cornelius has broken things off, causing Sirius Black to be single once more. 

James is furious when he hears of it, Peter seems sympathetic but not surprised, Lily takes one look at Sirius’ face when she sits down at the Gryffindor house table, then smiles at him for what might be the first time ever, and Remus just doesn’t get it.

“I just don’t get it” James says, taking a passive-aggressive bite of his toast. 

“What’s that, Prongs?”Sirius asks innocently. Well, not exactly innocently, Remus thinks. The last time when Sirius has actually looked or sounded innocent must lie way, way in the past. But at least he’s making an effort, and that’s got to count for something, right? 

“Don’t look so innocent” James says. Remus wonders absentmindedly if James has joined the mind readers recently, which would be weird, because so far his friend has skipped half of the Divination classes this year and destroyed teacups and / or crystal balls in the other half. “This is serious.” 

“And here we go” Peter mutters under his breath, and he’s not over-exaggerating: About two thirds of all the heads sitting within a ten metre radius have snapped up at James’ last comment, undoubtedly expecting Sirius to say something clever. Whether they’ve been listening to their conversation the whole time or have just heard that last bit by chance is unclear, but if Remus had to bet, he’d set his money on the first one.   
Sirius, however, does not say something clever. He doesn’t jump on the opportunity to make a bad pun, he just keeps his eyes fixed on his breakfast. 

“Padfoot, it’s been what, two months since you got together?” 

“Three months and two days” Remus says, wincing when everybody stares at him. “Hey, it’s not like I kept track of it or anything. I just notice things.” 

“Uh-huh, sure.” James doesn’t even bother to make it sound sincere. “My point is, Sirius, that things were _good_. What the hell happened?” This time, nobody is openly looking in Sirius’ direction, though judging from the way their classmates are suddenly very busy concentrating on their breakfast, they’re all eagerly awaiting Sirius’ answer. Normally Sirius would enjoy the attention. Today he doesn’t even notice. 

“Dunno” Sirius murmurs. 

“Uh-huh” James repeats, sounding every bit as disbelieving as before. For some reason, this gets a reaction out of Sirius. For the first time this morning, Sirius actually looks James in the eye, whilst snapping: 

“I don’t know what happened, James, because he hasn’t _told_ me.” 

“You mean, he didn’t tell you why?” Peter interrupts. Sirius’ glare switches from James to Peter. 

“Oh, he told me why. When we broke up the other day-“

“The other day?” James repeats angrily. “You mean this didn’t happen yesterday?” 

“It happened at the end of the holidays” Sirius replies calmly. “I asked him to not tell anybody just yet. He obliged. Anyway, he said that we wanted different things. He said that this wasn’t working out for either of us. And the only bloody reason he gave me is that-“ He stops mid-way through the sentence, now – is that a _blush_? 

“Yes?” Lily prompts, leaning forward a little. When James just looks at her, she, too, blushes and goes silent. 

“Nothing. He didn’t give me a reason. Forget it.” Sirius pushes his plate away and gets up. 

“Hey, where are you going?” James demands angrily. Remus is fairly certain that the anger is not supposed to be directed at Sirius, but Sirius flinches nonetheless. 

“Out. I’ll see you in class.” With that, he’s walking away and straight out of the Great Hall, probably knowing that in this moment, every single pair of eye in the room is fixed on him. James, too, looks after his friend, clearly exasperated, before he, also, gets up. 

“That’s it, I’m going after him.” 

“Prongs” Remus says slowly. 

“What?” From the way James is looking at him now, just waiting for him to finish so he can run after Sirius and fix whatever might be the problem, Remus realises something. It’s never occurred to him before, not like this. Oh, he knows that his friends don’t usually ask him for advice on personal matters. Peter doesn’t have any personal matters he’d ask for help for, and James and Sirius talk to each other or, when they’re in the mood for somebody who won’t make fun of them, they talk to Peter. He knows that he tends to be a passive participant in most conversations, and he also knows that in this friendship James and Sirius are the driving forces with Peter backing them up every step of the way, while Remus himself is more like an...extra. 

He knows all that, but for some reason, until now he never thought about what that really means until today. And now that it did occur to him, the realisation is heartbreaking.   
James is ready to run after Sirius because they’re the closest. If James weren’t here, Peter would be the one to run after Sirius, and even now the boy is on edge, trusting James to take care of it but wanting to help anyway. But neither James nor Peter is expecting Remus to do something. Neither of them have any reason to assume that Remus would follow Sirius, or would even want to, really. 

_“After all, why did I find you alone today, watching a problem rather than taking care of it?”_

McGonagall’s words ring in his head. She’s told him, rather bluntly, that he should take action. And Remus thought he already did, by giving Sirius that pipe. But now it becomes painfully clear that that wasn’t enough. _He_ wasn’t enough. Might _never_ have been enough before. 

This will change, Remus decides in this second. He will take action...for once in his life, he’ll take action. 

James is still standing there, impatiently. Remus draws in a deep breath and lets it out slowly while he lays a hand on his friend’s shoulder. 

“Moony, I really don’t have-“ 

“James.” Something in his face must be giving James some sort of indication on his mood, because James doesn’t snap at him for holding him up. Remus takes this as a sign that he’s doing the right thing. “You stay here. I’ll, I’ll look for Sirius. I’ll _look out_ for Sirius.” He tries not to be hurt by the surprised glance James shoots him. 

“Remus, are you su-“ 

“Prongs” Peter suddenly says, in an undertone of _something_ that Remus can’t really name, but that shuts James up effectively. His friend swallows, then nods. 

“Go on.” On another day, Remus would point out that he doesn’t need James’ permission to do anything, but maybe, just today, just in this case, he really does, so he mutters “thank you” before, finally, following Sirius out of the Great Hall.

***

Remus finds Sirius at the spot near the Great Lake where they were sunbathing with Cornelius a few days ago. Sirius doesn’t say anything when Remus approaches, but he doesn’t object about Remus’ sitting down, either. 

“So”, Remus says, his bravery gone as suddenly as it came. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nope” Sirius replies. Remus offers a faint smile and tries his best not do glance at his clock. Not that he has to, he knows that if they don’t go now they will be late for Transfiguration.

_James wouldn’t care about that._

The thought comes to mind before Remus can stop himself. No, James wouldn’t give a damn about Transfiguration if Sirius was hurt.   
But what _would_ James do? Hug him? Maybe. Comfort him with soothing words? Probably not. To be honest, it doesn’t matter what James would do, because Remus isn’t James, and he has no wish to be. So what will _he_ do? 

He hesitates, then pulls copy of Dickens’s “Great Expectations” out of his bag. 

“What are you doing?” Sirius asks warily. Remus raises his eyebrows. 

“Reading to you. What do you think I’m doing?” 

“ _Reading_? To _me_? What happened to ‘do it yourself’ and ‘reading is fun’?” He shrugs. 

“Will you listen without any comment whatsoever?” 

“Yessir” Sirius says with a grin, settling his head comfortably on Remus’ lap. 

It takes less than a page before Sirius starts mocking the name ‘Pip’, and what kind of author calls his novel ‘Great Expectations’, anyway?   
It’s annoying, it’s frustrating, and it’s everything Remus has missed for these past few months. 

 

When lunch time announces itself by Sirius’ stomach rumbling – and ho would have thought that even Sirius Black submits to mundane needs sometimes -, they not only have missed Transfiguration butt also Charms, and Sirius is ready to talk. 

“He really didn’t say, you know” he abruptly says, still leaning against Remus, but tense now. “Cornelius, I mean. Didn’t give a real reason, anyway. Wanting. different things, he said, but didn’t give an example. Not working out, he said, but he didn’t say _why_.”

“He’s a moron” Remus says. A surprised expression settles on Sirius’ face. 

“He is?” In Remus’ eyes, Cornelius is an asshole for hurting Sirius and an idiot for not seeing how great Sirius is. 

“He is” he firmly confirms, and then, because McGonagall said he should take action, and because he really is curious, he adds: “At breakfast just now, you said something, and when Lily asked, you said it was nothing, and I was just wondering if, by any chance, you’d want to tell me what Cornelius _did_ say to you. Even if it’s nothing.” Silence greets his words, not that Remus expected much else. Then Sirius sighs, and it sounds resigned, a sound that Remus doesn’t want to hear from his friend ever again. 

“Promise not to laugh.” _Like you promised not to comment on my book?_ Remus wonders as he obediently nods.   
Sirius stares at the lake for a few seconds before, finally, answering the question. 

“He said that, and I’m quoting here, if I couldn’t keep my eyes away from a certain person, there was no point in continuing the relationship.” Remus suddenly feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped over him – a sensation he has actually experienced before, last summer in fact, when James was feeling especially hilarious. 

“I’m assuming that certain person wasn’t Cornelius?” he asks carefully, aware he’s treading on thin ice that can break under his feet at any moment now– another sensation that he’s had the pleasure of experiencing first-hand before, again thanks to James’s comical talent. As it turned out, werewolves are not immune to pneumonia, a fact that Madame Pomfrey wrote down in a notebook before treating the shivering boy in her care. 

“No” Sirius mutters. “It wasn’t.” _Thin ice on the point of breaking._

“So? Who was it?” _Cracks that are appearing all over the surface._

Sirius looks him in the eye. “It’s-“ _And finally the ground collapses under his, under their, feet_. “-You.” _Sinking, sinking, sinking, drowning._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, leave a comment to let me know what you thought!


	11. Whatever This Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the last chapter. I'll be uploading the epilogue after I return from my classtrip on Friday, but it's very short, so, this chapter here is essentially the ending. Before you go off reading, beware that I tried something a little different this time. The story switches from Present Tense to Flashbacks, the switches are marked with " *** ". So, I think that's all xD Enjoy!

“It’s you.” Remus loves words. When he was 5, his mother taught him how to read, and he’s been doing it ever since. At the age of 7, he had read Lord of the Rings, and two years later he was just starting Wuthering Heights. Reading so much from an early age has earned him a greater vocabulary than most teenagers have, but even if the only kind of literature he ever picked up outside of the school volumes were analyses of famous Quidditch games (like a certain other person in his friend circle does), he’d still understand what Sirius just said to him. “It’s you.” It’s _him_.

Remus likes to think of himself as smart. Until today, he’s only ever found proof for that thesis. Right now, however, he’s seriously reconsidering that theory. Because, no matter how blind he was before, he instantly knows that Sirius is telling the truth. And that – shit, that changes – everything, he supposes. Everything.

***

“What does he see in Evans, anyway?” Sirius complains. He’s been ranting about James and Lily for hours now and Remus considers just knocking him out with his book. After all, it’s not even like James and Lily have done anything, James is just pining. Never shutting up about his crush, sure, but pining nonetheless. Also, in Remus’ view, his friend could fall for worse girls, and even if Lily really was horrible, it’s not likely that James will hold on to this brief romantic notion very long. 13 year olds rarely do, in Remus’s experience.   
Then he makes a tactical error: He offers his true opinion.

“Lily’s nice.”   
Sirius shoots him a betrayed look. 

“Nice. NICE. Sure, Remus, if you like spiders, or Ghuls, or vampires. What, you think pixies are friendly creatures too? Hey, what about kelpies? Nice little horses that drown you before devouring your flesh. Next thing you know, you’ll start befriending a nice were-“ He stops, his face first paling and then taking on a sickly green colour. 

“Werewolf” Remus finishes calmly, and Sirius goes pale once more. 

“Remus, I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be.”

 

Hours later James finds him in one of the mostly abandoned sections of the library – the shelf Remus is leaning against offers a number of books about magical pottery, all of which have a thick layer of dust on them. It’s why he chose this spot. Until last year he used to hide in the section for magical ways of farming, which worked just as good until a Fifth Year Hufflepuff suddenly decided to develop an interest in cereology. 

“He didn’t mean it, you know” James says, awkwardly hovering above Remus but not sitting down.   
Remus isn’t surprised that Sirius told James what happened. The day Sirius keeps a secret from his best friend will be the day the sun implodes. 

“He said what he thought. It’s fine.” He won’t pretend that it didn’t hurt, but Sirius is free to think about him what he wants. Even if it tears his heart out. 

“It’s not fine, Remus, but – you’ve got to cut him some slack.”

“Why should I?” Remus asks, suddenly angry. He isn’t usually this cold, but in this case, he’s got every right to be. “Sirius doesn’t have to be okay with me being what I am, but pretending that he is and then just – backstabbing me, well – Sirius can piss off.” 

“HE IS OKAY WITH WHAT YOU ARE” James roars, clearly having forgotten that they’re in a library. It’ll be mere minutes until the librarian shows up and throws both of them out. “Remus, I don’t know if you noticed, but his parents are pureblood fanatics and they tried their damned best to make him one, too. The very first day we were in Hogwarts, he was almost in tears about not making it into Slytherin. He’s been trying so hard – _so hard_ – to get rid of that way of thinking. So what if you’re a werewolf? He doesn’t care, and if stuff like that shit he said slips from time to time, the _least_ you can do is not get mad at him!” 

James stalks off after that, leaving Remus full of unwelcome guilt – guilt because James has a point, unwelcome because he’s still right, isn’t he? Isn’t he?

 

Remus never apologises, in the end. He isn’t sorry for being angry, and Sirius doesn’t want an apology, anyway.   
But he starts paying attention after the chat with James, starts watching Sirius more closely, and as a result, starts seeing things he hasn’t before. Just by looking, he manages to entangle more of Sirius’ enigmatic personality than he has in the two years he spent talking to him. 

Years afterwards, he’s still watching. But much much later, in the end of the sixth year, on a sunny day spent at the Great Lake around noon, he realises that he might’ve stopped paying attention.

***

“It’s me” Remus repeats slowly. Everything around them seems to have gone silent. There’s no chirping of birds, no rushing of the wind or the water nearby, nothing. Even his own voice is quiet. Yet in this soundless world it might as well be the voice of a roaring giant. 

“How long?” A brief hesitation, then: 

“About fourth grade, I guess.” Fourth grade. Three years. Shit. 

“So, the kiss in Filch’s office was-“ 

“Me thinking I’d take my chances” Sirius finishes. He looks anxious and relieved at the same time, like a huge weight was just taken off his chest and immediately replaced by another. “Didn’t quite work out, of course. Maybe if Filch hadn’t interrupted – but then, you never said anything, and I thought that you didn’t want – and then you asked if me and James were, you know, and I wasn’t going to run away, wasn’t going to be that person, but I just – it’s _James_ , and I’m not in love with him, I swear I’m not, even though half of Hogwarts probably thinks I am, but I also know that what we have isn’t exactly – normal. Our relationship is –“ Sirius trails off, looking lost. This time it’s Remus who finishes the sentence for him. 

“Special. It’s special.” They smile at each other.

 

Remus knows now that he made a mistake that day, knows that he shouldn’t have said what he said. Everybody has sore spots, triggers, personal boundaries, and for Sirius his relationship with James certainly is one of them. Perhaps he’ll never be able to understand exactly how they work together so perfectly, like two pieces of a particularly complicated puzzle (life) that just ...fit. But that isn’t important. He doesn’t need to understand, he just has to accept it – accept that for Sirius and James, with very few exceptions, the other always comes first.

***

“Remus, I love you.“The words make Remus freeze up. He drops his quill and doesn’t pick it up again. Instead he just looks at James, whose comment has raised all his alarm bells. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“Can’t I declare my love for you just because I feel like it?” 

“No”, Remus says firmly, drawing a laugh from James, before the other boy catches himself and goes right back into whichever weird mood he was in before. 

“Remus, I love you, and I love Sirius.” Remus recognises a meaningful pause when he hears one. But it’s a rainy day outside and he really just wants to study. 

“And Peter”, he therefore says with just a little bit of smugness upon interrupting James’ Meaningful pause with a capital M, “don’t forget you also love Peter.” James doesn’t miss a beat. 

“And Peter”, he agrees, “but as much as I love our short friend, this is not about him. This is about you, and Sirius, and my love for you both.” 

“Is this going anywhere?” 

“I love you both, and I want you to be happy. Both of you.” 

“That’s nice.” They have their O.W.L.’s coming up in less than two weeks, and Remus definitely doesn’t have time for this. Impatient, he taps a complicated rhythm on the table in front of him. 

“I’m just saying, if you and Sirius happen to – explore a new part of your friendship, I will physically hurt you if you hurt Sirius.” The sad thing is that this isn’t an unusual occurrence. James tends to randomly switch in between topics all the time, and usually only Sirius can follow. At this point Remus doesn’t even question his friend anymore, he’s learned to go with the flow. 

“Sure.” 

“Are we clear?” 

“Absolutely” he says, thinking _Anything to get you out of my hair_. James grins, his old self again. 

“Brilliant. And – good luck.” 

“Thanks” Remus mutters long after James is gone. Good luck with what?

***

“When you wrote me that letter”, Sirius continues, apparently determined to get it all out of his system, now that he’s finally confessed, “I thought I might have a chance after all. And then – well.” 

“Cornelius” Remus says quietly. 

“Cornelius” his friend agrees.

“Don’t get me wrong, my feelings didn’t change, but sometimes if you can’t have what you want, then you settle for...less. Cornelius seemed like the perfect alternative at the time. We got along well, really well, and he liked me, and I liked him too, just – not like that. And he noticed. Was too nice to mention it at first, no idea how he ended up in Slytherin, but eventually it became too much, he said. He asked me about you, have I told you that? I didn’t want the relationship to end, so I told him the truth: I said that you’re straight, I said that I was in, in love with you, I said that it would never happen. And I told him that I really wanted _us_ , me and him, to work out. _I_ could make it work, I said. So we tried, both of us. And last week, he broke up with me. No warning. He said that I was obviously still not over you.” 

“Was he right?” Remus asks. This whole talk so far has been one big punch in the gut, like his world has gotten turned upside down and then twisted a few times. 

“He was right.”

_It’s you._

_In love with you._

_Still not over you._

_He was right._

They’ve reaching the point in this conversation where it’s Remus turn to say more than ask question, to take a stand, but not yet. Not yet. 

“Do Prongs and Wormtail know?” Sirius, for some reason, starts laughing. He still sounds slightly manic. 

“James has always known, I think. And Peter, well, Peter is pretty observant when he wants to be. And I asked him for advice once or twice, so, yeah. They know.” So everybody but him was aware of this. Great. But then again: Shouldn’t he maybe have known, too? Suddenly Remus feels like he could’ve picked up on this.

***

“What’s wrong with you?” Sirius asks. James opens his mouth, but before he can say anything, Sirius continues: “No, really, Jamie, what’s _wrong_ with you?” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about” James says stiffly. “Is there something wrong with _you_ , Sirius?” 

“I don’t know.” Sirius shrugs. “Have you recently seen ME following the object of my affections around like a lost puppy?” He’s referring to Lily, whom James has been practically stalking recently. His newest low is using the Map, which they have finally, finally finished a few weeks ago, to follow Lily everywhere.

But whatever Sirius meant to achieve, it obviously wasn’t James and Peter exchanging meaningful glances. Once again, Remus feels left out of a joke.

“Oh, shut UP” Sirius snaps and gets up, pushing his plate away to signal that he’s done eating although he barely touched his toast. “I’m going to the lake, I’m not quite finished with that squid yet.”

‘That squid’ lives in the Great Lake, and Sirius has been trying to catch it for ages. Not because he wants to actually do something with it, apart from maybe hexing it purple, he just thinks it’d be cool to see it. For the past weeks he’s been trying everything to get it to come up to the lake’s surface with an ambition only equal to James’ attempts to charm Lily, and with a similar success rate, too. The most he achieved was a punch by one of the tentacles, also equal to James’ best achievement in terms of bodily contact with Lily. 

Sirius still carries that bruise in his face proudly, refusing everybody to heal him, mostly because he’s just that proud of it, and only partly because none of them are anywhere near talented in healing charms. Remus still has a scar from James’ last attempt, and Peter’s finger will probably never be the same. 

“Moony, wanna come with?” Sirius asks now. Remus looks at his half-finished eggs and shrugs. 

“Sure”, he says, but before he can get up James says: “Sirius, a word.” Sirius shoots him a weird glance, but allows James to drag him across the Great Hall to where their  friends can’t hear them anymore. 

“What’s that about?” Remus asks. 

Peter replies easily “hell if I know”, but it’s spoken too fast, and he’s looking way too nervous, so Remus assumes that Peter _does_ know and just doesn’t want to tell him. He had thought that the Animagus-transformation was the only thing his friends kept from him, but obviously that was naive. 

They watch in silence as James and Sirius discuss something. Now James points in their direction twice before hitting Sirius over the head.  Sirius hits him right back, and now they’re both yelling, too far away for Remus to make out what they’re saying but he’s sure he just heard his name. He turns to look at Peter, who avoids his gaze. 

“Peter” Remus says with forced calm, “if you don’t tell me what this is about _right_ now, I will stab you with this fork.” 

“You wouldn’t” Peter says, sounding unsure of himself. Remus raises his fork instead of a reply, but before anybody is getting stabbed, Professor McGonagall suddenly shows up right next to Sirius and James. Both students pale considerably as she says something, and then they both shake their heads. McGonagall, obviously unsatisfied, now comes over to Remus and Peter, just when they’re about to hastily make a run for it. 

“Lupin, Pettigrew” she barks. “Potter and Black promised you could explain what that fight was about?” 

“No clue, Professor” Remus says, because it’s the truth. Peter nods, because while it might be a lie, it’s still the SAFE option. McGonagall, however, doesn’t seem to believe them. 

“I can assure you that-“she begins coolly, but they will never find out exactly what she wanted to assure them, because this is when she realises that Sirius and James have disappeared. 

“Oh, for the love of-“ 

“You know what, we will find them, Professor” Peter says quickly, and before she can reply, he’s grabbing Remus’ shirt and pushes him towards the exit. 

They start running as soon as they’re out of sight. It’s only later when Remus realises that Peter never did answer his question.

***

All questions answered, Remus looks at the sky, at the grass between his feet, at the lake in the background. He looks at everything but the person sitting cross-legged in front of him, until he can’t avoid it anymore. 

“So” he mutters. 

“So” Sirius repeats. “Moony, I-“ 

“Don’t” Remus interrupts. The hurt expression on Sirius’s face almost physically pains him. “I need – give me a minute to think.” 

“Okay” his friend says. “Okay.” 

A minute, he asked for a minute. Right now, Remus thinks he might need a thousand of them, and even that might not be enough. 

Sirius is in love with him. Sirius Orion Black is in love with him, Remus John Lupin. It should be easy. It isn’t. It should be clear. It isn’t. It’s difficult and messy, and even though Remus spent the past year or so pining for Sirius, he’s suddenly not sure anymore if he can do this. If he can be what Sirius wants, what Sirius needs – and if Sirius, in return, can be what _he_ needs. 

Then Remus looks straight into Sirius’s dark eyes, lets his gaze travel further, takes in the slight shake of Sirius’s hands, takes in the clothes that hide what he knows is a body scarred in more than one way, before locking eyes with Sirius once more. 

Sirius is silently asking a question. And suddenly, Remus finally, finally, if just for one moment, understands the seemingly telepathic connection Sirius and James have most of the time. He nods, once, in reply.   
The next thing he knows, Sirius’s lips are on his. It feels like being back in Filch’s office, and simultaneously, it’s nothing like it. Everything has changed, and at the same time nothing has changed at all.  

Whatever this is, Remus thinks before he loses himself in the kiss, whatever this is, it’s difficult and messy and brilliant and perfect. 

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, leave a comment to tell me what you thought! Also, I'm considering a sequel, let me know what you think about that, too :)   
> Thanks !


	12. Epilogue

Looking back in later years, Sirius Black would always remember the Hogwarts express as the place where it all began. Not earlier, when they had first seen each other at King’s Cross, not later, when they sat together at the Gryffindor table or when they went into their shared dorm for the first time.

 

Sirius had been one of the first pupils on the train, having been dropped off by his parents early. The Blacks didn’t believe in being such a thing as ‘too early’, which had resulted in them always arriving several minutes before everyone else, no matter at which occasion. 

His parents’ goodbyes had been stiff, but then, they had never been a particularly touchy family. Sirius had only felt sorry that Regulus had chosen to stay at home rather than accompany then, but his sorrows were forgotten as soon as he saw the scarlet-red train.   
He nodded to his family one last time before storming off, his mother’s reminder to behave already out of his mind. 

Barely a minute had passed, a minute he had spent sitting in an empty compartment playing with his brand-new wand, when the door opened. 

“Hope it’s alright if we sit here, mate” a boy with glasses said, already putting his trunk in the overhead rack and then doing the same with the suitcase handed to him by a shorter boy right behind him. 

“Sure” Sirius said, trying to sound nonchalant. “I’m Sirius Black.” 

“Black” the first boy repeated. Unlike the other boy he was still standing. “You aren’t part of _The_ Black family though, are you?” 

“What about it?” His mother had told him that this might happen, that he might meet people who won’t want to associate with him because of his name – though she also added that as long as he stuck with his crowd, _their_ crowd, this wouldn’t be an issue – but it hurt nonetheless. Sirius wondered if the boys would leave the compartment now. The boy with the glasses merely grinned. 

“We’re probably distant cousins then. My grandmother was a Black, before she married my granddad. Dorea.” 

“Dorea Potter” Sirius said before he could stop himself. “She was disinherited.” 

“Yeah. Doesn’t matter, she always says that the Blacks are a bunch of lunatics anyw- er.”

“Do you think _I’m_ a lunatic?” Sirius, too, had risen from his seat now, ready to defend his family against this boy whose name he didn’t even know. 

“I don’t know, you might be, as far as I know” the boy – Potter, Sirius’ brain supplied - said and crossed his arms. “Who knows what scum they let into Hogwarts these days.” 

“You take that back” Sirius demanded, just when the second boy said: 

“Stop it, both of you.” Both Sirius and Potter snapped simultaneously: “Keep out of this” before glaring at each other again. 

“What kind of name is Sirius, anyway” Potter continued. “What’s your second name, Pluto? Mars?” 

“These are planets” Sirius gritted out between his teeth. “Are you stupid?” His whole body was tense, and Sirius remembered all the times his father had scolded him for fighting with his brother, who was younger and weaker and bound to lose. Choosing weaker opponents only proves one’s own weakness, Orion Black had told him so several times. But this boy, Potter, wasn’t weaker. He was just as tall as Sirius, his slim build similar to Sirius’ own, and obviously just as willing to put up a fair fight. Sirius was bubbling with unused energy. 

“At least I’m not a prat who hides behind his mad fami-“ Potter didn’t get to finish his sentence as Sirius lunged at him, bringing both of them to the floor. They rolled on the ground, each trying to punch and get on top of the other, both with limited success. This was different, Sirius found himself thinking. Fights with Regulus had never been like this. This was almost...fun. 

He wasn’t sure how it happened, but suddenly he realised that they had let go off each other, and the noise filling the air was no longer angry name-calling but laughter. Finally Potter got off the ground and offered Sirius his hand, pulling him up to his feet. 

“I’m James, this is Peter. Peter, next time don’t just watch when I start a fight. This friendship demands absolute loyalty.” Peter looked like he was about to roll his eyes at the solemn tone James’ voice had taken, but instead gave a small nod. 

“Yessir.” 

“Good. So, Sirius Black, will you join Pete and me in Gryffindor, the best house under the sun? – And the stars, come to think of it. I’m guessing you’ll be brilliant in Astronomy with a name like that.” 

“Yes, the teachers at Hogwarts are known to grade their students based on how much their names match their subjects” Peter deadpanned, looking slightly surprised when Sirius and James laughed. 

The next half-hour was spent exchanging embarrassing middle names, planning to create a map of Hogwarts, and the important question of whether Sirius should have his hair cut in school or wait until he was home for Christmas. Then Sirius went outside the compartment with the vague intention of looking for something like a bistro when he accidentally fell over somebody sitting on the floor. 

“Shit, sorry” he said, not really giving it a second thought when he invited the sandy-haired boy inside. Not really thinking about the impact of that invitation. 

Not having a clue what the following years would hold in store for him. 

Not thinking about this boy’s extraordinary pretty eyes – not yet. 

Sirius Orion Black had absolutely no idea what his future would look like, but as he sat there with three boys he had just met, he thought that whatever it was, there was no way it would be bad.

***

Walburga Black watched her oldest son run off into the train, barely avoiding to crash into more than one person, and sighed. Her husband took her hand and led her away from the platform, his light touch as always calming her down.   
But not enough. 

“He will be all right” she said, less to Orion but to herself.   
Her husband smiled, his face an older, rougher version of his sons’ sharp features. 

“Of course he will be. He’s a Black” Orion replied, just when the train took off and the door to Sirius’ compartment opened.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to thank you all so much for reading my story, a special thanks to everybody who commented my fic, every single one really made my day and helped a lot with the motivation to continue and - eventually - finish this fanfiction. Any more reviews are of course still very welcome!   
> I'm still considering writing a sequel which would take place during the War, but if I do write one, it'll most likely take a bit of time to start uploading chapters, I assume not before Christmas. Well, I'll see. Sequel or not, writing this story was so much fun, thanks to everybody who took the time to read it !!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, reviews of any kind are very welcome ! <3


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